I’m going to read some body language and infer that Gwyneth was not super happy about this ensemble.

Her minimalist makeup doesn’t seem to match the clothes nor the nighttime-nature of the event. The dress is pulling and bunching at her waist. And not for nothing, a) I think her eyebrows are bleached too much, and b) her hair looks TERRIBLE. Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair NEVER looks stiff and dry and stringy and uncombed. I seriously thought that was against the law in this country, so consistent is she about having a well-groomed mane. What is happening? Did she accidentally eat processed sugars, or inadvertently use sea salt from the plain ol’ U.S. of A, or another such GOOPy tragedy? Whither her kilter, and why is she off of it?

Let’s back out and look at the whole thing:

Meh. It’s like a tube top and a skirt and some overalls had a threesome and then birthed a baby from all three genepools. But I do now have a theory as to why she seems so discombobulated: She time-traveled back to 2002 to borrow an old pair of shoes from herself, and while there she ran into herself and WARNED herself about a few things and so now the space-time continuum is a crispy pile of ash.

[Photos: Getty]