I really want to give Carly Rae Jepsen a makeover. And no, it isn’t because her team is desperate for us to think she’s sixteen, not twenty-six, although that doesn’t HELP.

It’s just… she almost NEVER wears anything flattering. It’s not about age; it’s about being nice to your figure. The other week she was on 90210, and she was in the world’s most unflattering tiny shorts; now, here she is again, in another pair, which look like she just hemmed a pair of men’s gymnastics tights. The outfit is terrible on her tiny, petite body, and the overlong, slicked down hair hugging overlong, slicked down bangs obscures too much of her face. None of this works on her, and yet she wears a variation on this theme a lot. I find myself wishing she’d Miley herself, or at least go Emma Watson with an unexpected pixie cut, just to see what it does. And then fire — gently, and with sympathy pay; it’s a rough time to be unemployed — the person who keeps putting her in rompers, high-waisted and/or overalls-adjacent shorts, and tutus.  It’s time. If she wants some help, she’s welcome to call me. Maybe. Oh, come on, you knew that was coming.