“So, look. I’m here to present an award to my bestie of the year, who decided to show up in a hella unflattering and smurfy jumpsuit that makes her look like a Dr. Seuss character. And to celebrate the fact that I generally NEVER show up places in a hella unflattering jumpsuit that makes me look like a Dr. Seuss character, I decided to stick with black. Filmy black. Floaty, translucent black that is a cousin to the drapes you might find in a parlor of ill repute that also later buries its clients. See, y’all, I’m feeling like a freaking sexpot right now. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I have this new boyfriend, and he’s kind of a badass, and we’re banging like a screen door in a tornado and in fact he is SO good that I think we’re actually having invisible sex right now. AM I RIGHT. So I can do crazy things like wear a mullet dress, right? Especially because…
“… you have to admit I don’t look bad in this. I might even look great. You might even think, “Damn, girl, you almost make a mullet dress seem like a good idea,” which is the EXACT SAME THING I did to you with my haircut when I was on Friends and you gave yourself The Rachel. I’m sorry about that. I might also be sorry about when you buy one of these later. But I’ll probably be too busy giving birth to a lovechild on the back of Justin’s motorcycle while Terry Richardson takes pictures. You know how it is.
“… and not for nothing, my face looks great AND my hair is bouncy. So it’s kind of hard to remember what I was wearing below the neck anyway, right? Because I’m HAPPY. SUCK ON THAT, US WEEKLY.”