Sometimes I wish my life had a soundtrack — like, every sidewalk would be a catwalk for me if I had the right background music. And I think Jada Pinkett Smith lives that.

Like, you don’t wear that outfit (or, in Willow’s case, this one) if you’re not hearing something seriously badass in your head — like, a Jay-Z song, or “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner, or of course the Dynasty theme song as re-imagined by Britney Spears (which, also, let’s please get someone on that).

Whereas I think Mischa is walking to something a bit more depressing:

I’m thinking “Fake Plastic Trees” by Radiohead, because this outfit — as Thom Yorke so memorably wailed — wears me out. Or perhaps the world’s most depressing holiday song, a.k.a., the one in A Charlie Brown Christmas. I just picture her walking around hunched over, hanging her head, with nothing but some plaintive background piano and tuneless crooning inspiring her to put one foot in front of the other. Holy hell, now I just want to give her a hug.

Okay, now I just want to give her a coat. You know, this outfit seems very Smithy to me. For one thing, Jada loves neck restraints.

And Willow loves ugly patterns.

She’d best be careful a pedestrian doesn’t try to cross her. And Jada, oh, Jada, with the transparent shirt and the leather hot pants… between those and her tiny romper and Mischa’s red suspendered half-trou, these ladies should go to Shorts Anonymous together.

These people are not much better with ACTUAL pants:

Even Willow is like, “You know what? I put these ON and I have no idea what they are.” But they are not leggings.

Child. CHILD.  Is this just so all you have to shave is your knee and your ankle? Is it? Because honestly, I will spot you some razor blades, if the high price of personal grooming is what’s getting you down.

But we’re not just nominating Willow and Jada against Mischa; we’re putting up the whole clan, given that Owning The Hell Out Of You seems to be their global objective.

There is some dapper and there is some swagger and there are two very cute kids being heavily, heavily marketed and there are some bangs and yet MORE bangs and some flags and maybe some tape and a lot of shoes, and… I’m tired. Indeed, their whole Karate Kid summer tour of LOOK AT ME made me tired.

But maybe not as tired as wearing this would make me:

I’m sure that only LOOKS like it weighs ten pounds and is as stiff as a papier-mache corset, but… also, it gives her the shoulders of a linebacker. And the tinted illusion netting is weird. And I haven’t worn my hair like that since I was ten. Which I guess is in the spirit of this contest, since a few of her opponents are in the younger set, but unless Mischa is psychic she couldn’t have known she’d be here way back then — and if Mischa really WERE psychic, I think she’d be working more, at LEAST in infomercials with Dionne Warwick.

But can any of Mischa’s tragic offerings — and they are many — stack up to the pièce de Smithsistance?

Where EXACTLY were they afraid that sleeve would try to go? Was Julianne Moore sniffing around it, so Clan Smith decided to lock that sucker down?

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • The Family Smith (50%, 6,911 Votes)
  • Mischa Barton (50%, 7,020 Votes)

Total Voters: 13,921

Loading ... Loading ...