Fug Madness 2011, Round One: Charo Bracket, Part II

(6) MISCHA BARTON vs. (11) CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

We almost didn’t include Mischa Barton this year — in fact, we kept saying to each other, “Eh, Mischa didn’t even really go out much, did she?” And then we actually looked at her archive, and HOLY COW, not only did she go out, but she did it in everything from repeat-offender khakis to strange costumey dresses to cruel culottes, to crueler non-culottes, to these:

Luckily for Christina Hendricks, there is not a direct segue I can use from Knee Window Leggings to her fashion choices. But there is always SOME kind of tangent, and it is this:

Just because they are not leggings does not mean lace turtleneck dresses are okay. Christina looks like a cheerleader for the Morticians’ Union of America’s flag-football games.

Much noise, in fact, is made about Christina’s hip size and breast size, when it comes to finding dresses. And I do think there is still an issue of people not being willing to work with her in a sincere, helpful way — which is insane, since having seen her in person, I can confirm that her curves CERTAINLY are not prohibitive and so everyone really needs to get a grip and stop acting like she’s a Biggest Loser contestant. However, the fact that sometimes she looks good and sometimes she doesn’t leads me to believe that only PART of the problem is the availability of outfits. The other party may lie with her decision-making skills. Because, really, this was never going to work. Neither was this. And DEFINITELY neither was this:

Of course, it’s not like Mischa does her chest any favors, either.

I mean, is that a dress, or just a REALLY elaborate bra?

(3) LEIGHTON MEESTER vs. (14) TOM BRADY

Let’s start with the bad news: Tom’s Ponytail Heard ‘Round The World from Carnivale is not technically eligible for this year’s Fug Madness (although that does mean he can bring it HARD in 2012, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, etc.). However, the good news is that this hairdo is:

Seriously, in 1978, this album was on some dude’s kelly-green shag basement carpet as he lit his bong and played Pong.

This is Bieber Fever in action. He should have been quarantined.

Still, despite his apparent affinity for the weighty feeling of sweat-drenched tresses, Tom has a formidable opponent in Leighton Meester. You remember this nude-lace jumpsuit monstrosity, I’m sure (whether you want to or not). You probably also remember her boob potholders. But did you remember this?

Or this?

She has had the most pendulous year of fashion EVER. Seriously, one minute she’s a flower child, the next she’s a walking Bustier Guitar, the next she’s naked underneath ten yards of black tulle. Trying to understand her is like trying to take a calculus test fifteen years removed from high-school math: brain-bursting and futile.

(7) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (10) MARY-KATE ASHLEY OLSEN

When I was younger and Full House reruns came on, the way they credited the Olsens read, to me, “Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen.” So I thought it was one kid, exuberantly named. Turns out not. But in my head, they will always be one. And sometimes I think they are literally trying to invent the cold fusion of human beings.

Having these two up against Gwyneth is actually sort of intriguing, because they’re such polar opposites. Gwyneth is tall; the Olsens are pocket-sized. These two are bundled up as much as two people can be…

… this one, not so much.

Bundled (and fused)…

… unbundled.

It continues thusly: Ashley is in a head-scarf and a caftan, aching to read your palm; Gwynnie is in formal shorts and a blazer. You get the gist. Are two fugs more powerful than one, or do the collected works of Gwyneth Paltrow outshine the dynamic Wiccan duo?

(2) THE FAMILY SMITH vs. (15) AUBREY O’DAY

To: Aubrey O’Day, “singer” and reality TV “star”

From: The One And Only Genuine Original Smith Family Band

re: Fug Madness

“Dear Ms. O’Day,

“It has come to our attention that you are our opponent in the 2011 Fug Madness tournament. We are writing to ask you kindly to cease and desist your campaign, lest you put an end to our nefarious plans. Do not confuse us with idiots: We may dress like a pack of carnival folk, but we are evil geniuses. And we see right through your act.

“We are not fooled by your boob belt, nor your fur skirt, the likes of which you have worn twice:

“Nor is your ‘innocent’ use of fuchsia leopard print fooling us. And we are not swayed by you dressing up as somebody’s Valentine’s Day delivery from Teleflora.

“Yes, you may look innocent, like a hopeless blonde without taste, but we know better: It is clear to us from your actions that your every move, your every outfit was pre-conceived as a way of bringing down The Family Smith. You have been building up to this day, hell-bent on our destruction, and we cannot allow it to happen. So please, stop trying to best us at our own game. Stop trying to beat Willow at her flag pants, or Jada at her hat.

“Do not try to compete with Jada’s onesie, which we can neither confirm nor deny has a snap-crotch like she is an infant in need of easy diaper changes. Do not try to outdo Willow’s golden cape-coat. And DO NOT, I repeat do NOT, think you can take on Pocahotass and her sidekick, Buckle Sleeve.

“If you persist, the consequences will be disastrous. But if you bow out gracefully now, we promise we will give you a job as our scullery maid — or maybe our food taster — when we take over the world and kick out the plebeians who wear things like JEANS and SEPARATES and SNEAKERS THAT DON’T WEIGH TEN POUNDS. Deal?

“Cordially yours, etc., etc.,

“The Law Offices Of The Family Smith”