“But I guess more than anything else, I’d like to thank the criminal in the gorilla suit who knocked me out, traded clothes, and made his getaway after leaving me in a broom closet, which is where I woke up five minutes ago. Without him, I wouldn’t have anything for the middle of act two of the movie of my life. Thanks, man. Maybe Taylor Swift and I write a duet about you someday.”

This one makes a BIT more sense:

However, it’s my fondest hope that what she’s performing is an extremely angsty, slow, dirge-y version of “I Have Confidence In Me” from The Sound of Music.

[Photos: Getty]