Jessica celebrated her birthday yesterday, so she gets today off, which means Britney won’t be speaking via Letter of Truth today (I wouldn’t dream of it). We’re thus only able to imagine how hard it must be for her to process what an Iggy Azalea even is.

I mean, these two don’t even look like they would know what to SAY to one another — and this is AFTER they recorded a song and shot a whole video together. I feel like Britney got to that set and wanted to talk about Sean P and Iggy thought that was a rapper and then Britney was like, “Remember NSYNC?” and then Iggy was like, “I DO NOT LIP SYNC STOP IT STOP IT NOW,” and then they gave up talking except when they had to check each other’s teeth before the camera rolled.

Let’s break them apart for a look at the outfits. Iggy’s goes someplace unfortunate:

Which is to say, it goes to hell. It’s the tide rolling in on a pair of abandoned Spanx.

And poor Britters is in something sparkly that manages to be both dowdy and too clingy, and the way it’s bunching has the HUGELY unfortunate effect of making her vagina look like an executive elevator that is dropping someone off on the third floor before going back up to the penthouse. WHY. I’m glad she seems happy, but if it were even knee-length we’d be having a happier conversation right now.

I’m also, by the way, wondering at what point it will be revealed that Charlie Ebersol is just more James Franco performance art.

Edited to add: I FINALLY watched the debut performance of “Pretty Girls,” and lord, that song is monotonous and not great.

Britney looked endearingly Britney-like — I applaud her for being able to get into a catsuit like that again, and she was at least able to move a little, even if her dance moves aren’t ever going to be as elaborate again after she blew out her knee that time. She pretty clearly lip-synched, though. Her voice sounded so heavily produced and pre-recorded. And Iggy looks fine but was as unintelligible as usual. If she and Ariana Grande ever perform together, I’m going to need subtitles. I AM OLD.

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]