Ashley Tisdale here is not a bad actor. She had the most boring part in the sadly dead CW show, Hellcats — SURELY the only cheerleading show to have its lead singing acoustically in a prison with some dude she was trying to free through one of her law classes; RIP, you weird-ass experience, you – but managed to make it work, and I will forever cherish her for her voice-work as Candace on Phineas and Ferb. So when I saw this, I thought: “Oh my.”

In part that was because of the sheers — more directly, because that could have been BEAUTIFUL if it were not lined solely with bloomers and a training bra — but it’s also because in my head, Ashley Tisdale is good enough that she shouldn’t feel the need scream so hard that she’s All Grown Up And Ready For Her Closeup. Which sent me down a rabbit hole of wondering what she IS doing, and I found this synopsis of her latest project, Drive, She Said: “Jason Biggs is Guy Carter, an insecure expectant father who, unable to find work in his field, accepts a job driving hookers around Los Angeles. One long and crazy evening proves to our hero that he is, in fact, up to the task of fatherhood.” So the jobless manchild realizes that prostitutes are such helpless babies that if he can protect THEM, he can protect anyone? That is… interesting. Also, its co-director is a guy named Joe Syracuse, which, while ostensibly real, sounds like a glib fake name you give a guy you met at a bar whose REAL name you don’t care about because he spent all his time talking about winter, and how Bob Costas went to Syracuse too. Anyway, Ashley’s sake, I hope this outfit worked and caught the right person’s eye and snagged her an audition for a second lead on, say, iZombie, or something. Because I’m not sure American Pie Chauffeur is going to hit.