Sandra has a thriller called Bird Box which she’s just begun promoting, and no, it’s not the true and frightening saga of the bird in the box from Country Strong, although I think we all know that movie deserves to be made. Instead, ’tis basicially like A Quiet Place except with sight: You can’t look directly at The Evil or it will consume you, so you have to keep your eyes closed, and INCONVENIENTLY, Sandra needs to get her child through the woods to safety. I am pretty sure I cannot handle it, so please just let me know if The Evil turns out to be Gwyneth Paltrow.

Anyway, I’m feeling warmly toward Sandy because I just re-watched Ocean’s Eight (thank you, American Airlines), and enjoyed it just as much as the first time. Seriously, what Ocean’s movies are ever truly high stakes? We just want to sit back and enjoy hot people tricking other people, with the confidence that it’ll probably be okay in the end, and this one had the added bonus of it being awesome ladies who didn’t even need a NINTH person, much less an 11th, 12th, or 13th. Suck on that, Danny.

That’s my second tangent. Sorry. The point is that my raging like for Sandra Bullock means that I want to be wowed by this, and certainly there’s a lot here that’s pretty. But does it need the single translucent sleeve? Is that even really lime, or is it more of a… urinary asparagus? Whatever color you call this, I think it’s making her look sallow. I would love to change that up, or even see it in the photonegative: all silver sparkle, with neon accents. I also want to scoop up her tendrils, which aren’t doing much for her, and then take away the birdcage behind her because that is EXTREMELY ON-THE-NOSE, PEOPLE, and that’s still true even if it’s ripped straight from the film. This premiere does not need birds, real or fake. Nor boxes. Nor, if we want to come full circle, Gwyneth Paltrows, although I find myself wishing she’d shown up just to bring my reference to life.

[Photo: WENN]