“Am I wearing pants, you say? No. Because I am the girl who is down to earth, not that Garment person who sucked Funfleck into a vortex of boo, and who selfishly wears TWO LEGS. I do not NEED two of everything when people are starving in wherever. So no, these are not pants. They are PANT. Pantalones? No. Pantalone. Tee hee. Get it? Pant alone?!?!? But you already knew I am a poet, lovers, from when I wrote I Luh Ya Papi, which I am going to suggest to be the new national anthem, lovers, because it is all about the sex, and guns, and I put it down for a brother like you // Give it to you right in the car, that’s you. Lovers, if you listen to The Star-Sparkly Thing, you will hear that it is also about those things — rockets glaring red, bursting bombs, and ramparts, come ON, lovers, tell me you knew! — and so I just want to make America newer and then also hear myself every time those swimmers in tiny pants win gold medals. Maybe THEY should wear PANT also. But no, there is no one who can PANT like the Lopez. Stand there and look at me and try not to unbuckle my hip with your eyes. It is not possible. See you on the medal stand, lovers.”

[Photo: Splash]