“Um. Hey y’all, lovers!”

“So like, I’m a superstar now, lover people, and I’m dressed as… um…. the bird coming home to roost in… the nest, lovers. For I am the… winningest?… of American Idol winners. You do not beat the Underwood, or… wait, that came out wrong. You do not… I Carrie’d this show, and… and also thighs. God damn, this is hard, how does J.Lo do it?”

“Silly girl-child, even I have moved past that. THIS is how you Lopez now. LIKE A PROM BOSS, in a dress by YAS Couture, because YAAAS QUEEN. (And with thigh. You did have that part a little bit right, but I will never tell. If you ask me in public I will smile and say what a nice little flea you are and that I hope you enjoy eating at restaurants because you are being SERVED.)

“YOU are, in the words of the prophet Duff, SO YESTERDAY. Because this is how we Lopezed on Night 1 of the Idolize Lopez finale.

“And once I did it, and came out like a confetti cannon murder victim whose sad fate will be solved next season on Shades of Me, then it was DONE and I moved on. And when you look to tonight’s dress for inspiration, Blunderwood, I will be back in the nakeds, because I am always one step ahead. You are the chutes. I am the ladder. LOPEZ OUT.”

[Photo: Getty]