ASHTON KUTCHER: We are SO HAPPY TOGETHER! No marital problems at all! OUR BODY LANGUAGE IS NOT AT ALL AWKWARD!
DEMI MOORE: Ashton, let go of my wrist. We look all weird and Cruise-Holmesian.
ASHTON: That’s FINE WITH ME, PRECIOUS BRIDE!
DEMI: Yeah. Like that’s better. At least I look super hot.
ASHTON: Super hot! NEVER WOULD I STRAY, SWEET WIFE.
DEMI: Whatever. If you REALLY loved me, you’d do something about that hair. You look like you tripped and fell into 1992.
ASHTON: I actually had this hair in 1992! Those were good times. I had just started high school — HA! Can you believe I was 14 when you were married to Bruce? — and —
DEMI: Guess what? YOU’RE NOT HELPING. And there’s something else you should never do again:
ASHTON: But, baby, that’s Chris Brown! He’s –
DEMI: There is no end to that sentence that will help your cause.