“When you get there, you will already be there.”

[If you missed our coverage of the first two hours, you can read it here.]

I just want to note, first and foremost, that I am finding this new Twin Peaks profoundly relaxing. I came into it with no expectations for any kind of narrative structure, and therefore it just washes over me. Oh, we’re levitating in space with a woman whose eyes have been sewn shut? Sure! Oh, people are getting sucked into and out of electrical outlets? Fun! Hey, it’s Naomi Watts! Great! The fact that I am not trying to make sense of it at all, nor do I ever expect it to make any sense, is extremely freeing. I was a huge fan of the original, but I have no need for this to do anything but exist. All I want is for it to be exceptionally weird, and it is delivering handily.

Let’s do some question and answers, and discuss. Although I’m covering the general gist below, there are little bits and bobs to talk about in the slideshow as well. Consider it a recap salad.

Where the hell is Agent Cooper?

Well. What an excellent question. Cooper got sucked out of the Red Room, as promised by the talking arm (as one does), and after passing through New York’s Glass Box, pops out in a…mystical series of rooms that are both floating in space and also overlook the ocean? Right! Sure! Fun!  There’s a women inside whose eyes have been plucked out — this may, of course, connect to the dead body in Buckhorn — who throws herself into space basically right off the bat, as happens at many space/ocean vacations, I’m sure. She’s replaced by another women who tells Cooper the above philosophy, although in this case I think it’s just actual fact due to all the dopplegangers running around. She also warns Cooper that her mother is coming, and she repeats something that Laura had said to him in the Red Room, and this is totally one of those shows where I feel like if I don’t mention every single detail, the one I don’t mention will prove to be the factoid on which the entire project hinges.  Maybe Laura IS this woman’s mother or maybe we’ll never see this sassy little Space Ocean Condo again!

ANYWAY. Then, as so often happens, Something Weird occurs and (a) Cooper gets sucked out of the Magical Space Condo through some kind of Fantastical Doohickey; (b) Agent Creeper (the evil Cooper who’s out running around shooting people and maybe banging Jennifer Jason Leigh) tries very VERY hard to resist getting sucked into the cigarette lighter of his Lincoln (a hilarious product placement that I hope Lincoln approved) but ends up crashing it instead; and (c) ANOTHER Doppleganger — a rather tacky gentleman by the name of Dougie Jones, who seems to have several men trying to kill him — gets sucked into the electrical outlet of an empty house where he’s been meeting a sex worker with great taste in lipstick and finds himself in the red room, where he thereupon turns into a poof of smoke, leaving behind only a ring that we’ve seen before and a gold marble. Then Cooper gets shoved through the electrical outlet into the Vegas Model Home, where Jade The Sex Worker decides he IS Dougie — I mean, I guess you would have to accept that as the only possible explanation — even though he’s lost weight, has gotten a haircut, and has totally changed his outfit, and also he’s acting like he’s in a total fugue state. Jade is, in fact, the only person who knows Dougie to suggest he call a doctor because he’s acting like he’s had a stroke. Naomi Watts, Dougie’s wife, is first enraged with him for having been AWOL for awhile, then delighted because he’s come home with a pile of cash from the casino (Fugue State Coop does not know how to pee, use a fork, or tie a tie, but he does have a magical power that allows him to know which slot machine is about to pay out), but never seems to notice that something’s real wrong with Dougie. Like, SUPER WRONG. REALLY VERY WRONG.

What’s happening in Buckhorn, SD?

Funny you should ask! We get absolutely NO intel on what’s happening with Matthew Lillard, or what happened to the Morgans after Phyllis was unable to serve them dinner due to Matthew Lillard getting arrested and then Agent Creeper shooting her in the head. HOWEVER! Jane Adams has gotten a hit on a fingerprint in the case of the Beheaded And De-Eyed Lady, but she can’t get it out of the system because that info is basically classified. (I assume said fingerprint is going to finger — no pun intended — one Special Agent Dale Cooper.)

HOWEVER, South Dakota’s cops found Agent Creeper after he finally crashed his Lincoln and barfed —  you barf quite disgustingly when you’re traveling through the wormhole of space and time via electrical outlets — and arrested him and called in…

The Feds!

And they have their hands full. First of all, Agent Tamara Preston — a new character, who is very Young And Sexy — has been assigned to the case of the Two Young New Yorkers Who Got Their Faces Blasted Off When They Were Just Supposed To Be Watching An Empty Glass Case, and she’s not making a ton of progress, although she does have video footage of The Mysterious Creature Who Showed Up To Eat Their Heads Or Whatever. (She does NOT have footage of Agent Cooper floating through the box.) Frankly, this sounds like a case for the X-Files….

…and, conveniently, Agent Mulder is in the building, because David Duchovny is reprising his role as Denise, the transgender FBI agent who is now the FBI’s chief of staff, which is VERY high up in the bureau (and when I looked that up, I learned that according to the FBI’s website, James Comey is still the Director). Her assistant is Richard Chamberlain, and whether that is a fun cameo or he’ll pop up later with more to do is still an open question. (I must admit, I was DELIGHTED to be reunited with Denise.)

Denise gives Deputy Director Cole (Lynch himself, and I forgot how funny he is in this part) and Albert (RIP, Miguel Ferrer! It is bumming me out how many people in this show are now dead) the okay to pop over to North Dakota to chat with the man they think is Agent Cooper but is…you know. A person in this particular body who might still be Agent Creeper but might actually be a totally other person? I am pretty sure it’s a totally other person, as I believe the Vomit Pass Out combo means you got sucked into…you know, wherever…and then…something happens to you. Cooper is in Dougie Jones’s life, Dougie Jones has turned into a golden marble, and Agent Creeper is who the hell knows where. Maybe still in his body? I have NO IDEA.  Creeper claims he’s been working undercover with Agent Jeffries AKA David Bowie (RIP AGAIN, ugh) and he was TOTALLY just about to call them!!! Unlike Naomi Watts, both Cole and Albert are like, “well, this is super effed up and we better figure out what they hell is going on.”

What’s going on in actual Twin Peaks?

Interestingly, yet again, not a whole ton. The plot is moving, but very VERY slowly. In short, it seems Sheriff Harry S Truman is very ill (read: actor Michael Ontkean has retired from the biz and chose not to come back, although apparently he had at one point been on board), and there’s a new Sheriff Truman in town: His brother, Frank. Robert Forster is great casting for this part. He vaguely resembles Ontkean, but more than anything else, he feels like a steady hand on the wheel, and god knows, that police department really needs a straight man, and Hawk needs someone in the office who also treats the pronunciations of the Log Lady with the appropriate respect.

Speaking of shenanigans at the police department, Bobby Briggs — former bad boy — is now a police officer and given that he bursts into tears when he walks into the conference room and sees Laura Palmer’s prom queen photo on the table, he’s still…you know. Working through some stuff.

And while we’re on the subject of tears, I have to note that as much as I love Lucy and Andy, a little bit of them goes a long way, and we’re getting too much of them in these episodes. Lucy doesn’t need to have eaten some past evidence, and faint dead away when Sheriff Truman shows up because she doesn’t understand the way cell phones work and not understand the way the heater operates, all in the same episode. I suspect Lynch and Frost were just delighted to get to write this kooky goofball once again, but less is more on this count. We also meet Lucy and Andy’s son, Wally Brandoin the form of Michael Cera in a Marlon Brando The Wild One costume, who pops up to exposit that Sheriff Harry Truman is sick, and to give a long and fairly amusing speech in a very affected accent (he pronounces “Caucasian” as “caw-kay-ZEEEEE-an”) that seemingly exists just so that we can find out what happened to Harry, and have it reinforced that Frank is a calm and steadying human. (I’ve read that Cera’s intonation is supposed to be Brando-esque, but if so…it’s the worst Brando imitation I’ve EVER HEARD.)

Dr Jacoby is really busy spray-painting his delivery of shovels gold, which, look — I get it. I too love a shiny gold gardening tool. GOOP is gonna love them. I’m sure we’ll find out what’s happening with Shelly and James…at some point? Is Laura Palmer’s mom still smoking angrily and watching animal documentaries? I assume so. We’ll find out eventually — this season is 18 episodes long. Or not. Whichever! I am so relaxed about it.

What are your feelings?

Related: How does the Twin Peaks pilot hold up?

Tags: Twin Peaks
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