“Who’s Laura Palmer?” “That’s a long story.”

AT LAST! It feels like we’re ever so slowly moving toward something. As I said last time I covered this show, its languid pace doesn’t really bother me — but that doesn’t mean that I’m not pleased to have some plot-related movement. Let’s get into our usual questions, theories, and thoughts — and know that the slideshow is primarily devoted to extra bits and bobs (no Bobs included) and also how great Laura Dern looks as Diane.

Speaking of Diane, what’s happening on that front?

Great question! First of all, I must note that I never expected Diane — the assistant to whom Agent Cooper so lovingly detailed the notes of his investigations/told all about his pies — to look like this. In my mind, she was a brunette. I don’t know why. But perhaps back in the day, she was a brunette. Regardless, here’s what we know about Diane, who is helping us move this plot along quite nicely:

a) After an emotional confrontation with him, Diane agrees something is VERY SUPER WRONG with Special Agent Dale Creeper, although she doesn’t tell anyone that it’s that he’s not actually Cooper and is instead Cooper’s body which has been possessed by a demon for like…a really long time. That scene between Laura Dern and Kyle Maclachlan was superb. Both of them have been great in this series — especially, obviously, Maclachlan, who has to play three parts. (I admit that I am longing for him to get back to being Standard Issue Cooper.)

b) Diane and Coop had one very memorable night together before he left town, way back in the day. The implication, of course, is that they hooked up, but I have to say that I’m not sure that will prove to be the case. Special Agent Dale Cooper does not seem like the sort of man to make sweet love to his assistant, even if he IS madly in love with her?

c) She has GREAT TASTE in home furnishings and also in manicures and accessories.

Speaking of Agent Creeper, how’s he liking prison?

Not very much, and also as soon as he sees Diane, he knows that she — and Albert, et al — is on to the fact that he’s got a hole where his heart should be and he blackmails the warden into letting him go (and name-drops the mysterious Mr Strawberry, who it seems is dead) . Tie up your dogs and spouses, Agent Creeper’s on the loose again! However: The Feds  have also figured out that there’s something weird about his fingerprints, so they’re probably going to be even more concerned about him being on the lam than they would have been under normal — “normal” — circumstances.

Did the Morgans EVER get dinner?

I’m very invested in this plotline and I suspect we’ll never know. I also have no idea if we’ll see Matthew Lillard again. Is he just going to rot in jail forever? Very likely. However! The case in Buckthorn moves apace: The headless body has been identified as that of Major Briggs, although it’s actually too young to be him. This is causing, as you might imagine, some consternation on the part of the military.

And how’s Dougie?

I mean, not terrible, considering? He’s an insurance agent savant even though he can’t really write — there is something poetic and great about making him an agent of another sort — and he totally saved Janey-E and himself from being stabbed to all hell by last week’s Stabby Screwdriver Murderer because the Dale Cooper who is still deep within him popped out for a sec and disarmed SSM in no seconds flat (with the help of The Arm in the Form of a Brain on a Tree, who popped out of the pavement for a sec to lend a supportive hand). It was, I must say, rather thrilling. Next time, stay a bit longer, Dale!

What’s happening in Twin Peaks?

I’m glad you asked. A LOT of stuff, finally — at least comparatively. First, Hawk and Sheriff Truman II have discovered that the papers Hawk recovered from inside the bathroom stall door are (as many of you smartypants predicted!) three of the four lost pages from Laura Palmer’s diary. They explain that Annie (who was played by Heather Graham in the series) came to Laura in a dream (before her death, obviously) and told her that Good Cooper is stuck in the lodge and can’t get out, and that Bad Cooper is on the loose, and made her write this down in her diary. (Laura also notes that she knows “it wasn’t Bob,” which gives Hawk and Truman the opportunity to remind us that her murderer was her father, Leland Palmer [possessed by Bob, of course]. That entire scene with Hawk and Truman gave us a lot of Twenty Years Ago On Twin Peaks-style exposition that was fairly welcomed by me.) This opens up a LOT of questions about the nature of space and time, which feel very Twin Peaks-y, but it’s also a nice fat clue for the police. One of the things I enjoy about this show is that basically everyone in charge at TWPD accepts all kinds of weird-ass paranormal shit happening, and doesn’t dismiss things that the audience knows to be true as a way of prolonging the story. So Truman II and Hawk are on the case, and things seem to be developing, at least in some direction, and slowly. They also mention that the last time we saw Audrey Horne, she was in a coma. Where IS Audrey? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH AUDREY?

Anyway. Meanwhile, Andy is on the case of Meanface Childkiller, who has left the car with which he ran over that sweet kid at the home of….his brother? Anyway, with a Person of Interest who promises to meet Andy later to give him some sensitive intel and then never shows. We also learn that Andy wears a Rolex. I feel like there is a story there.

Over at the Great Northern, Ashley Judd is hearing an annoying humming sound that might be coming from a lamp — we’ve all been there — and we learn that, in this show’s great tradition, she’s got a husband who is both very sick and possibly a complete asshat.

And, in news that surprises no one, it turns out the Roadhouse is still running a prostitution ring — occasionally using high school girls. Shelly’s gonna be so pissed if one of them is her child!

Tags: Twin Peaks
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