“Well?!? Did I do okay?”

Hi, relative rookie actress Philippine Velge (who is, by the way, has a role in the upcoming Station Eleven miniseries). Let’s break it down: You have on non-boring shoes, although they also look like instruments of bondage, and your dress has a pretty pattern but looks like someone gave growth serum to one of Krystle Carrington’s blouses. Pros and cons all rolled up together, giving us nits to pick, and then judged on a pandemic curve: You did great, kid. Come back and see us again.

Her co-stars, meanwhile, look like they were also doing a photoshoot for their side hustle as Euro-hipster electronica DJs.

Their movie, Ete 85 (or Summer of 85), was intended to debut at Cannes this year, but we all know how that went. So I sniffed around IMDb and found this synopsis, which gave me a lot of feelings that I have inserted in brackets: “What do you dream of when you’re 16 years old and in a seaside resort in Normandy in the 1980s? [SINCE I AM ALREADY APPARENTLY AT A SEASIDE RESORT IN NORMANDY… A CUTE BOY AND SOME CHAMPS.] A best friend? [EHHHH NO I’M STILL ON THE BOY AND THE CHAMPS] A lifelong teen pact? [… NOPE] Scooting off on adventures on a boat or a motorbike? [MY GOD NO HAVE YOU NOT READ SWEET VALLEY HIGH?] Living life at breakneck speed? [MY GOD NO HAVE YOU SINCERELY NOT READ SWEET VALLEY HIGH?] No. [CORRECT] You dream of death. [HUH] Because you can’t get a bigger kick than dying. [REGINA MORROW WOULD REALLY REALLY DISAGREE WITH THIS.] And that’s why you save it till the very end. [PRETENTIOUS AND STUFFY. I GIVE THIS ESSAY A D.] The summer holidays are just beginning, and this story recounts how Alexis grew into himself. [ALEXIS I HAVE A VERY LONG READING LIST FOR YOU.]”

[Photos: Shuterstock]