Editor’s note: Hahaha, I wrote this last night and then this morning I woke up and he had re-retired. DID I MAKE IT HAPPEN??? I’m leaving the post as-is.
BILLY PORTER: Hello, Thomas.
TOM BRADY: Hey, Billy! Wow! What IS that? I’ve never seen anything like it. Is that a strawberry?
BP: Is… what?
TB12: ‘Cause I’ve never had a strawberry!
BP: It is not.
TB12: Huh! Oh! Is it a nightshade? I’ve never eaten nightshades.
BP: It is not.
TB12; What’s a nightshade?
BP: Food with flavor.
TB12: Never had it then! *furrows brow* Okay, then, is it… gluten?
BP: It is, wait for it, a hat.
TB12: A hat! Well, I don’t eat those either.
BP: No, I don’t imagine you do.
TB12: Although… I could?
BP: But why.
TB12: Cotton is a plant. I eat some plants!
TB12: Does cotton cause inflammation?
TB12: Is cotton in Gatorade? I don’t drink Gatorade.
BP: Maybe you should.
TB12: No man, I gotta stay fresh. I gotta be spry if I’m gonna flop like a soccer player anytime a defender sneezes in my direction! I can’t cry to the refs if I’m inflamed from tomatoes and sugar!
BP: Maybe you should retire, and live a little.
TB12: No way man! I tried that for a week and it was booooring! I’m gonna play until the league lets me deflate the balls as much as I want because I need the extra air to reinflate myself! But when I do retire, like after my kids leave for college or something, boy, I’m gonna go nuts. I’m gonna eat WHITE RICE!
BP: If you ever actually do that, I’ll eat my hat.
TB12: Just only use Himalayan pink salt on it, my man. Unless you decide to retire.