Flashback to ten days ago…

Laura Dern: Reese!

Reese Witherspoon: Laura!

LD: R-Dubs!


LD: Crease Wrinklesoon!

RW: Dernie Sanders!

LD: A Wither in Time!

RW: Where The Red Dern Grows!

LD: We look so festive, Reese of my Heart! Remind me again why we’re hanging out at The Ivy right before Christmas?

RW: It’s simple, Wall Street Dernal! The Internet.

LD: I see, Reese on Earth. Go on .

RW: Well, First-Degree Derns, there is about to be something that bloggers fear and celebrities adore. A content vacuum.

LD: I think I just heard screaming echoing in the distance, Masterreese Theater.

RW: Exactly, Higher Derning! Everyone will be sleeping or hung over or on vacation or just holed up with their kids, and they will be looking frantically for photos to put on their little blogsites or Internet webs or whatever, and that’s where we come in and save the day.

LD: But Reesefire, will they really want a photo from December 22?

RW: Absolutely, One Good Dern Deserves Another! You underestimate how desperate they will be. And it’s the perfect opportunity for them to mention the fact that Big Little Lies season two is coming, and to write headlines in, say, Us Weekly, like “Big Little Liars” or “Big Xmas Lies,” or, Stars: They’re Just Like Us: They Use The Sidewalk,” or whatever.

LD: You are a genius, Maureese Spoondak.

RW: Thanks, Dern Troyer.

LD: Same time next year, Ode to a Reesian Urn?

RW: It’s a date, Ode to a Grecian Dern.

[Photo: Rex/Shutterstock]