“Hello, everyone. Yes, it’s me, Sharon, just popping by the Oscars red carpet on my way to Elton John’s viewing party — at which we will be watching, on TV, the event outside of which I am currently standing. Is that weird? Yes. Does it smell like I’m doing a drive-by just to get my picture taken as much as possible? Yes. Do we wonder why I was invited to this but not to the actual ceremony? Yes. ┬áDo we think I am telling people that I was invited but chose not to go inside because I am Sharon f’ing Stone, and I don’t sit around in rooms with people who aren’t giving me statuettes? OF COURSE. Do we think security asked for my name and I ID’d myself Basic Instinct style? Yes, because that is my driver’s license photo. That’s right, officer. Pull me over and let’s play Find the Infraction. Kiss kiss.”