I just want someone to explain to me WHY Daphne Zuniga is at the Oscars:
Actually, hold the phone. Do I really care? If I stand for anything is it not that I am fervently in favor of more Melrose Place alums, everywhere? Would I complain if Dr Michael Mancini showed up at the Golden Globes? No. Because I would be praying that his being there might GET HIM A JOB. For serious, you guys — think about it. Thomas Calabro OWNED Melrose Place. And yet his only big job recently has been….on Melrose Place II. IT IS A CRIME. Dr Kimberly Shaw? On Desperate Housewives. Sydney Andrews? Pretty Little Liars. Jake Hansen? Big Love AND Private Practice, currently. Right now, Zuniga is the only entertaining thing about One Tree Hill, which has gone from being a show where a man could have HIS HEART EATEN BY A DOG — after a long life including accidentally setting a grave on fire, murdering his brother and blaming it on a suicidal teen, and watching as one of his sons had not one but TWO illustrative comas, and the other once beat the dead body of Rick Fox as payback for making him fix a basketball game — where the most exciting act out is SERIOUSLY what one of the characters wants on her pizza. I know Mark Schwan wants this season to go out as some kind of Valentine to his characters but TEN WEEKS OF VALENTINES IS SO BORING. And the best way to pay homage to the last seventeen years of OTH is OBVIOUSLY by going FULL BALLS TO THE WALL CRACKED OUT MCCRAZY. Burn people alive! Stick people in wells! Have people get possessed by the devil! Give someone hallucinations of a floating, talking head! Make someone accidentally marry his sister! Blind someone! Blind several people! Have Daphne Zuniga — who is, truly, hilarious as Sophia Bush’s mom who spent much of this season in prison — show up WITH Thomas Calabro and STIR SHIT UP. Phew. Okay. Clearly, DZ was at the Oscars to give me the opportunity to get all of that out of my system. I DO feel better now. I’m not even going to ask why it looks like the bottom of her skirt might have been attacked by coyotes. NOTE TO SCHWAN: HAVE SOMEONE ATTACKED BY COYOTES.