“I have been tricked, lovers. I was told I would be given a major award, and so I put on clothes that do not have missing parts or mutant pants or a cape, and what happens? PLASTIC POPCORN. This is NOT AN AWARD. It is NOVELTY TRASH you could buy on Hollywood Boulevard next to the place with all the hand prints, and there is no PROTEIN in this at ALL lovers. Do not FOOD-TROPHY THE LOPEZ unless it is the Nickelodoen Kids Choose Me thingies where they put juiced kale on everyone. THIS IS NOT HARD.”

[Photo: Getty]