“HOLA LOVERS. … What. What is it. Have you not seen a superstar’s waxed labia drizzled in nylon and woven tar strings? Where have you BEEN? Does your cave not have WiFi?

Billboard Latin Music Awards - Show

“Ugh, what NOW? You haven’t seen a superstar performer — who will CHANGE YOUR LIFE — decide she likes her first dress but has to perform and needs three extra square inches of pelvic cover and also some sparkle? REALLY?? I cannot with you. This is 2017, lovers, and this is not FarmersOnly.com. This is LopezOnly.gov, and my bill is law.”

[Photo: Getty]