Noah Cyrus is trying very hard to happen. Is it working? I’m sincerely asking. It’s possible that if I have to ask, I already have my answer — but I’m also very crotchety and I don’t listen to the radio because I’m never in the car, so unless they start using her songs in car commercials or on Grey’s Anatomy (it’s coming back so soon!), it’s highly unlikely that I will find one organically. This outfit has the feel of a person who is treating country music like just another day of cosplay — it’s bananas and it’s a surrealist trouser experiment and why is the hat a completely different wash of denim — and then for her performance she changed into something that’s grabby in a whole different way:

2020 CMT Music Awards - Show

This is like Cher meets Kacey Musgraves meets Gaga, minus any attendant charm. Noah was there to sing a love duet with Jimmie Allen, who, by the way, is adorable and has such a lovely voice, and as an aside I looked it up and she sounds like she’s been computer-enhanced to mimic Miley as possible. And I would be willing to wager that this song, “This Is Us,” will appear on an episode of The Bachelorette this season. It feels like it was written by a lyrics generator after it was fed thirty episodes. But: There is nothing about this run-of-the-mill, pleasant-enough Lite FM duet that necessitates labial floss or the illusion thereof (I refuse to zoom in and investigate). Now, if she had agreed to donate $10,000 to tornado relief (or anti-voter-suppression groups or any other philanthropic organization of her choosing) for every ensuing wail of a grown-ass person who is Too Old For This Shit and also is just really tired of craven affectations, then okay. Otherwise, this is too banal now to be shocking, or interesting. Let’s move on, kiddo. Good luck.

[Photos: Getty]
Tags: CMTs, Noah Cyrus