“Lovers, I played my part. I went to the luncheon dressed up as Church Lady Lopez, with my pink and my hair like the evening news, and my shoes of fancy sneezes, and I told everyone about my vegan diet and took the selfies. And I smiled, lovers, and I am smiling now, but I think you see the VENOM OF PASSION in my eyes. Why? Because it has come to my attention that there is a title of First Lady. And it is NOT ME. LOVERS. I did not wear my thighs all those times for THIS INSULT. I WAS A MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ONE YEAR. WHAT MORE EXPERIENCE DO I NEED TO BE FIRST LADY OF EVERYWHERE. I demand more, lovers. I demand a recount of the election that never happened. America is supposed to be a DEMOCRACY, no? If you are going to go around telling everyone you are America’s First Lady, EARN IT. LOPEZ-STYLE. Now excuse me, lovers. I need to go wipe my rage on my hip-napkins.”

[Photo: Getty]