Justin looks very pulled together here in his tux, which is pleasing. Hailey, however, opted for a expansively sheer Alessandra Rich dress that does not spark joy, except in the sense — given our ongoing pizza/sheers joke, which is so old and only recently resurrected that I feel like I have to explain it — that it gives me an excuse to talk about how delighted I have been to consume butter chicken pizza in Canada. If this is black tie, then she might be dressed AS the tie.

It’s not an old dress, yet it has the whiff of a Harper’s Bazaar 2017 Fashion Week Party about it, in a way where I fully expect to learn that Kendall Jenner did it first even though the laws of space and time make that impossible. Interestingly, in every shot of Justin and Hailey, he has his hands glued to her hips in this manner and appears to be steering her. Did she break a thigh window, and he’s holding them in place? Or is he hyper-conscious of that Vegas video that went around where it looked like he was yelling in her face, and he wants to propel her to the valet with tender loving hands? It doesn’t look like a particularly comfortable way to travel for either of them.

By the way, every story written about this event calls it “Justin Bieber’s art gallery auction,” and I have searched up that phrase and cannot find anything more specific. Is this a gallery auction that is selling Justin’s art? Is Justin’s art gallery selling its contents? Is Justin putting his own art gallery itself on the auction block? I prefer to believe it was actually a movie premiere along the lines of Tyler Perry — you know, Justin Bieber’s Art Gallery Auction, a wild comedic romp in which he plays four characters. Now I will accept nothing less than that.

[Photo: Getty]