“What was I to do, lovers? I have been People’s Most Everything Ever. I have given you my abs. I have given you my side-abs, and my front-abs, and my back-abs. I have given you Leg. I have given you Face. I did everything and you cried from envy and worship and I carried you to the top of Mount Lopez and then had to figure out where to go next so that you would know I am still above you. The answer? A cape, lovers. A superhero cape. I will fly above you, with glitter, and as you dust it out of your eyes you will see only stars. They twinkle one message: LOPEZ. Also if you know of a very sexy but famous new boyfriend please let me know because I am bored of disposable meatpiles. Maybe that Birdman Batman person is single? He loves capes.”

[Photo: Getty]