Christine Teigen here has been a Sports Illustrated model, and has been dating John Legend forever (I guess he’s still a thing).
And if you look at her outfit from this angle, it just looks like a basic mullet dress being tossed around in front of a wind machine, like the set up for an especially low-rent Top Model photoshoot — but otherwise hardly shocking or appalling.
At first I thought she was dressed up as the kind of mold that you just know would grow in Lady Gaga’s fridge (so, architectural, impractical, and totally pissing off all the other spoiled food that just wants to be noticed). It took me about five minutes of staring to deduce that she IS, apparently, standing in front of a wind cannon. Or in the path of an actual storm that slammed a raven into her thigh. So while I can’t entirely fault her for… whatever force of nature is trying to turn this into a swimsuit, I do feel like she’s wearing a dress that looks BUILT for a gale force, as if it wants to be blown apart and turned into fashion shrapnel because it knows it can cover JUST enough of her bits to keep things PG-13. And she isn’t too fussed about stopping it from happening, so let’s all just agree that it was an unfortunate idea all around and get back to wondering if Battleship is going to be a) fun, b) funny by accident, c) fun like a funeral, or d) f’ing terrible. Same question to ask about the dress, I guess.