(1) RITA ORA v. (8) VANESSA HUDGENS
Rita Ora really brings the magic everywhere she goes — including here, where she is (as far as I can tell) the world’s cheeriest auto mechanic:
She ran over Adrienne Bailon in the first round, and I think it was due to the following. Sure, you’ve already seen this, but I thought it was only prudent to visit the ensemble that took down the vagkin:
I mean, that is possibly the worst thing that ever happened and I don’t understand how a person can look at that and think anything other than “OH SWEET JESUS GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.” It looks like an advanced torture device.
This is also questionable:
You can tell things are crazy when the paparazzi behind you look confused. They’ve seen everything and they’re still like, “wait….she’s like two-thirds sporty, one-third Coco. Not Chanel. The one Ice-T loves.”
Why don’t they make the employees of Hot Topic wear this as a uniform? It is both fiery AND you can just wipe it down with a wet cloth:
Plus, her sensible shoes are helpful when you have to be on your feet all day!
Or when you have to run from whatever it is that’s living on your dress:
And honestly, I don’t even KNOW what’s happening here:
But this isn’t all she brought us. We’ve barely tapped the tip of the iceberg Ora. She looked like a Rose Parade float at the EMAs, and she appeared to be standing with the help of a kickstand at the BRIT Awards (her dress is okay, but I couldn’t resist reminding you of the time her posture out-Paris’ed Paris) and she wore all MANNER of craziness to fashion week, including a situation where HEELS WITH A SWEATSUIT WASN’T EVEN THE WORST THING.
And while we’re talking about total lunacy, we have to tip our hats to Vanessa Hudgens’s lace pants — the sibling of the pair that won her Fug Madness last year:
I just want you to sit quietly for a moment and reflect on the fact that good old Hudgens decided that ONE pair of sheer lace bell bottoms was not sufficient for her wardrobe. Just reflect on that for a moment. (She also wore a lace shirt AND lacy tights at the same time. And another lace-trimmed bodysuit. And a somewhat lacy crocheted sweater. She loves herself some lace. I wonder if she also loves the novel Lace. Please reboot that for ABC, V. Hudge.)
Also, reflect on whether or not you think this ensemble was inspired by Johnny Depp:
I vote yes, and it makes me giggle.
This one feels more Olsen-inspired than anything else:
And this, of course, at Coachella, was officially brought to you by whatever they put in the water supply at Coachella. Remind me to send those people some flowers, because Coachella has turned into a cavalcade of crazy in a way that I sincerely appreciate.
You saw these shorts in the last round, where V. Hudge narrowly bested Katie Holmes, but I couldn’t resist including them once more. They are like a delicious sandwich recipe — too good not to revisit:
My fervent prayer is that one day this lace robe meets those lace pants, and then magic really happens.
(4) JESSIE J v. (5) J. LO.
Also known as The Battle of the Js.
You can really drink in all the fine and varied work turned in by Jessie J this year in her archives (which I’ve linked at the bottom, as in all these posts), but I thought it might be fun to kick this off with a look at the subsection of her output in which she truly, er, excels. THE CATSUIT:
This is also the same sort of aforementioned something:
And this, this is really something. A Kelly Taylor In The First Season of 90210 Kind of Something. A very very special something:
I’m just impressed by the tremendous stones (and very firm flesh) it takes to actually decide, “yes. I AM wearing a catsuit. I’m wearing MULTIPLE catsuits. I AM GOING TO BE CRAZY CATSUIT LADY.” Even more: “I’M GOING TO BE CRAZY CATSUIT LADY AT THE OLYMPICS.” TWICE.
And speaking of SOMETHINGS:
Are those technically even pants? The crotch seems like a technicality at best. And if not, what IS that article of clothing called? If the crotch is not really a crotch, but there are LEGS, it can not be a skirt. It’s like….a loincloth attached to legwarmers? Can we call it a Loinwarmer?
Speaking of loins, it strikes fear into mine whenever I have to write about J Lo, because I can not channel her the way Heather does. So I will just keep this simple: