Fug Madness 2018: Halle Takes on a Cyrus

A reminder: Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. The bracket is here, the Fug Madness FAQ is here, and if you missed the opening of the second round, start here and click forward.

Jump to: (6) Halle Berry vs. (14) Noah Cyrus

(2) RIHANNA vs. (10) SALMA HAYEK

Salma had, objectively, a much better year than last. But, also objectively, that doesn’t necessarily mean much. We can never, ever forget that she allowed this to happen:

It’s real bad, but would make VERY comfortable pajamas. Maybe she just rolled out of bed, or really REALLY needed to be able to roll into one.

That’s… loud. And the branding at the bottom keeps reminding me of a news ticker. I keep expecting to see breaking alerts down there.

This could be worse, but it could also be SO MUCH BETTER. It’s a few touches too many, and Salma is petite so it doesn’t take much to go over the top. To wit, she looks positively drenched in sparkle here:

It’s a MASSIVE excess. I want to see it without all the diamonds. Something I RARELY say, because y’all know what a magpie I am. But Salma doesn’t seem to know middle ground. It’s either monochromatic black, or turned up to eleven. Or both:

She also plays around a LOT with her styling, from prim bangs to a blonde wig to this pink hair:

It isn’t even that bad on her, but the dress is so bland and boring and Been There. It almost makes me miss the onesie.

Rihanna had a very repetitious year. In the runup to and then throughout Valerian’s press tour, she went with voluminous looks, like this yellow shirt knotted over a huge skirt and paired with strappy sandals snaking up over her knee; or, this froofy purple minidress with different strappy sandals snaking up to her mid-calf; or a froofy pink mini AND maxi dress — it’s short in the front and mega-long in the back — with… yes, different strappy sandals snaking up to her knee. this. At her Diamond Ball, she changed the shoe style, but repeated the high-low style of hem, and then we had this thing:

This would have been on clearance at the Disney store after about five minutes. It’s like an off-brand Cinderella dress sold by some store that has labeled it Cinderela, or Princess Housekeeper. And it doesn’t look very well tailored; neither is this white Dior, which is very plain and ALMOST looks cool simply because she’s Rihanna, but which is exerting approximately zero effort on her behalf:

Rihanna should never be blah. THIS is blah. And it’s also, by accident, my desktop wallpaper now. So that’s great. Hey, but you know what isn’t? This:

This entire thing — the dress, Rihanna — looks like it’s sweating slightly.

I cannot BEGIN to imagine what a sweatbath these shoes must have been:

Encasing feet in plastic is a recipe for smells, fungus, and blisters. I am not on board with those things, if I can avoid it. Which I generally can, by not wearing plastic bags over my toes. Also, the smock isn’t so hot either. Her lips deserve more.

This never gets any better. I am not inured to its fuggery, even after all this repetition. And please behold these boots:

This entire ensemble is designed to make you think she’s walking out of her jeans. WHO THINKS OF THAT.

Embed from Getty Images

Oh, look, another high-low style thing. Plus some elastic. Plus some… overall straps, or is this whole thing actually secretly a smock-coat combination? In the words of Rihanna, “S.O.S., please, someone help me.” And incidentally, that’s what her boobs are saying here:

That’s not how this works, Rihanna. That’s not how ANY of this works.

Archives: Rihanna, Salma Hayek

 Loading ...

(6) HALLE BERRY vs. (14) NOAH CYRUS

This matchup could’ve been Halle vs. Hailee — our randomizer sometimes has a great sense of humor (I literally just go to this page, paste in the four names, hit “Randomize,” and put the results in Cher, Bjork, Charo, and Madonna, in that order; now you know) — but Noah Cyrus upset that apple cart. I hope you’re pleased with yourself, Noah, and that you enjoy this feeling. Because: Can you take down TWO high seeds in consecutive rounds?

Hmm. You’re certainly going to try your damndest.

That’s… weird (it reminds me of a neck-ruff dress Mandy Moore wore), but it’s not ATROCIOUS. It does kind of look like she sewed garters to her pockets though.

Of course there’s a bra shirt. There is ALWAYS a bra shirt. And of course there are tights pulled up past her waistband. There are ALWAYS tights pulled up over people’s waistbands.

I’m getting the sense that Noah believes you can make ANYTHING a dress if your boots go up high enough.

I’m also getting the sense that she learned here that being Lady Gaga is REALLY not easy. The outfit is bad enough, but when you get down to the shoes, it’s Hoof City. She definitely learned at her sister’s right hand, with a hefty dose of Google Images.

Halle had me heaving sighs ALL OVER THE PLACE this year. Like when she sauntered out in this:

A sheer shirt with a tube top and, yes, split-leg pants that have turned up SO MANY TIMES during Fug Madness. SIGH.

A frilly lacy thing that was translucent AT BEST on-stage at the Globes. SIGH.

A giant sack that looks like she’s wearing a rug made from animal hide, Clan of the Cave Bear style. SIGH.

Sheers ruining what could’ve been a nice skirt. SIGH SIGH.

Cheerleader for Agent Provocateur’s flag football team. HIGH SIGH.

And a dress cut so high and sheer that her [REDACTED] is decidedly un-redacted. THIGH SIGH.

Archives: Halle Berry, Noah Cyrus

 Loading ...