I just read that the Enquirer — which a lot of people in this town say is secretly pretty accurate — claims Paula Abdul and Arsenio Hall are dating again. My thoughts are: 1) The fact that they dated during their first fame crescendos seems oddly perfect, and b) the fact of them dating now ALSO seems oddly perfect, and so I am going to ‘ship them (Paulsenio? Arsenula? Abdulio?) and imagine that “Straight Up” was somehow written symbolically about his constant pointing of that enormous index finger.

As for Paula herself…

… she looks like a roll of wrapping paper that you forgot to store correctly and so it’s been leaning against the back wall of the closet, slowly unrolling and crumpling and crinkling and folding, to the point where you can’t use it anymore but you feel too guilty to throw it away. Kind of like how the world seems to feel about American Idol, actually.

[Photo: Getty]