“Listen, people, what am I SUPPOSED to do?”

“I’ve spent the last !#@$ years trying to make every single story on the Today show feel as important as if it were about a natural disaster. And yet apparently now that Lauer’s signed his deal, everyone keeps insisting I’m out because people think I’m boring, or strained. But what they don’t get is that it’s a STYLE. You want a side of gravitas with your cooking segment? Curry’s your girl. You want to treat the world’s fattest cat with the reverence due to a world leader? Curry it up. Do you like to be spoken to at a tone no higher than a lullaby? I’ll Curry the hell out of it. So if Today doesn’t want me, fine. I don’t care if this does make my generally ageless figure look like it’s wilting! I’ll go to this important gathering of news organizations dressed like a pack of Certs tastes, and everyone will say, “That Curry makes me feel strangely fresh,” or, “I need a mint after that divine Curry,” and BAM, before you know it, Robin Roberts and I will be the KLG and Hoda of ABC. So you want some Curry powder, newsies of the world? Hit me up for my spice. It’s very mild, I promise. No heartburn.”

[Photo: Getty]