I was not aware, until a recent Survivor commercial break, that Paramount Plus has a show coming up called Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies –¬†which is titled like a Terminator or Transformers movie (which, great, GO GET ‘EM, LADIES). To celebrate, they invited Adrian Zmed and Maxwell Caulfield of Grease 2, which is for me the money Grease. Hardly anyone in it can sing, the tunes are all hilarious and I think only some of them are meant to be, and Michelle Pfeiffer sings an ode to motorcycle men on a ladder before dancing and SPELLING her way into the horizon. Lorna Luft, daughter of Judy and half-sister of Liza, belts the hell out of every single line she’s given. Maxwell gets to wear a helmet and can’t carry a tune, bless. Adrian, of course, does a lot of things, including yell “WE BOWL” with a very straight face, and then this:

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It’s amazing. I know people love Stockard Channing and Kenicke and I guess Travolta, and OBVIOUSLY Olivia Newton-John, but Grease 2 has a luau, a whole song about reproduction, one about Bowling, one of course about a Cool Rider, one where a guy takes his girlfriend into a nearby nuclear bunker (!) and then tricks her into thinking a war has started and that it would be unpatriotic to die virgins (it’s terrible behavior and also amazing, and BLESS THAT POOR GIRL, she also cannot sing), and of course that time Michelle Pfeiffer derailed the talent show because she had to sing a mournful song about how Maxwell drove his bike off a cliff. (They win, obviously.) Can ANYONE truly follow that?

Now, lest you think I am ignoring Juliet Mills, I WOULD NEVER. As we know from her time on Passions, she is a powerful witch. Juliet is not in Grease 2, but she married Maxwell in 1980 and it has apparently worked out very well. She completes the triangle because she and Adrian worked together on Passions during a few very memorable episodes in which he played a floating head named Basil. The Internet has the wrong episode numbers for Adrian/Basil, so that’s how I came to watch one in which the intriguingly named Pretty Crane, who has a tiny scar somewhere near her ear or whatever, screams at her mother, “I know that my HIDEOUS FACE offends your TENDER SENSIBILITIES,” which I am going to use as a mic drop at the end of every argument henceforth.

BUT THEN. It took me about half an hour, but I FOUND IT I FOUND IT I FOUND IT and I CHORTLED ALOUD WITH GLEE WHEN I DID. Kevin even came in to watch (he has met Adrian Zmed and said he’s incredibly friendly, which is gospel that is important to spread). It’s RIGHT at the top of the episode. Please, oh friends, behold Adrian Zmed’s noggin in a colonial wig floating out of a chest:

The scene continues at 4:28, when his head REALLY zips across the room and conjures up The Idiot’s Guide to Witchcraft for budding sorceress Kay. At the 33:55 mark, she makes everyone’s heads levitate. Note that the other plots in this episode involve a car accident, and Chad dying, which makes the circus music EVEN MORE jarring.

Thank you for coming to this installment of Why Are We Not Watching Passions Reruns All The Time, Ahem, Peacock. Do you not CARE about what we need? I’m sorry if my HIDEOUS FACE offends your TENDER SENSIBILITIES.

[Photo: Lisa O’Connor/Shutterstock]
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