“Oh, hi, America, fancy seeing you here. Don’t I look adorable in this?

“And oh, gee, are these old things still here? I was so caught up in doing the crossword and reading charmingly intellectual books about, like, British people and vegetables and whatnot, that I completely forgot to take off my glasses! Honest mistake! It has NOTHING to do with me being worried that hosting the Oscars next to a human fart would taint my reputation as a very brainy and fascinating individual. NOTHING AT ALL.

“But, you know, in case you missed it: Adorable! Down to earth! Smart! I could tutor you in math! Diagram sentences with your daughter, because come on, you totally don’t remember how to do that! I can give you uncomfortable but medically honest sex advice, speak to you in Binary, and rearrange your home library based on the Dewey Decimal System! In short, I am TOTALLY too busy being a brainy supergirl to hang out with James Franco on a daily basis! Because if I did, wouldn’t my IQ be too diminished for me to teach you the metric system… IN FRENCH? I MEAN RIGHT.”