JASON: Melissa. You look like a long, cool cocktail.

MELISSA: Thanks, Jason. I’ve never gotten that one before.

JASON: Indeed, you leave me stirred, but not shaken, unlike my martinis.


JASON: You might say it paisley to discover… wait, hang on, I’m trying to workshop the pun…

MELISSA: Are you having a stroke?

JASON: No! I’m just being Statham. Jason Statham.

MELISSA: Oh, lord. Is this about James Bond again?

JASON: Don’t you think I’d be a good one?

MELISSA: I just don’t know, Jason. Being in a spy comedy might kind of spoil that whole 007 spy drama dream.

JASON: But but but! I’m British, and I wear suits, and… there’s wordplay, and…

MELISSA: I don’t know what it is, Jason, but you don’t read James Bond to me. You seem more like That Guy From The Local Pub Who I Hired To Punch My Boss In The Stomach than the world’s slickest secret agent.

JASON: But I’m an action hero! I was Transpondster! And expendable!

MELISSA: Transporter. And The Expendables.

JASON: Whatever! And those car-racing movies! I’ve done it all! I’m FULL BOND.

MELISSA: Chill, dude. It’s time for a Jemma Bond anyway. Let the bodies of MALE suitors pile up like sweaters for a change. People with names like Jack Tickle and Willie Package-Johnson and Peter Codpiece and Eponymous Wang.

JASON: Maybe Jemma Bond can be 008. We could team up. You could get this made. Call your people? Did I mention you look ravishing?

MELISSA: Kick me up to 006 and throw in a part for Bullock, and we’ll see, Statham.

Jason Statham as James Bond: Yes or no?

  • No (17%, 936 Votes)
  • YES. (6%, 343 Votes)
  • Maybe? I'd need to know who the other candidates are, but I'm listening. (11%, 588 Votes)
  • LADYBOND FOR THE WIN. (30%, 1,615 Votes)
  • Why does Idris Elba say the Idris-for-Bond gossip ruined his chances? Because: IDRIS FOR BOND. (36%, 1,943 Votes)

Total Voters: 5,425

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[Photo: Getty]