Tony Awards Fug: Frances McDormand

“… and so this one chicken in my coop doesn’t trust me, right, and she won’t LISTEN to me and she just GLARES at me and it’s so IMPUDENT and I really think sometimes she’s plotting to kill me, okay, so I was RIGHT in the middle of sitting on her to show her who’s boss — do you KNOW how long it takes to force a chicken under your buttocks and get it to understand you mean business? — and my agent called and was like, ‘Frances, you’re supposed to be at the Tonys,’ and I was like, ‘But Colonel Ann Landers is JUST about to learn the lesson of her lifetime,’ and he was like, ‘Get there, I don’t care if you have chicken feed in your hair,’ so I was like, ‘Fine, dude, but if she’s still giving me this kind of attitude tomorrow I am going to make you rub bruise cream on my derriere YOURSELF.”