Selena Gomez has a new project out — a Jim Jarmusch film called The Dead Don’t Die, in which SWINTON, who did not attend this premiere, co-stars briefly as “a Scottish extraterrestrial samurai mortician” — but when I Googled her to see if she was in it, the main news hit I got was an article from People yesterday about how she had finally deleted the last remaining photo of Justin Bieber from her Instagram. An article, by the way, that also claims she hasn’t been thinking at all about Justin Bieber, even as it admits that she clearly thought about him enough to go look for some old 2018 photo on her feed so she could blitz it, JUST in time for this big premiere. Are those things connected? I tend to think probably, but I don’t know; however, it certainly doesn’t FEEL like a coincidence that Selena then showed up at this dressed like if Raquel Welch had shown up to do an arc on Melrose Place as Heather Locklear’s conniving relative, someone who is sensual and sexually self-satisfied but who also likes to get carnal revenge, and would of course make passes at all of Amanda Woodward’s exes in quick succession. Amanda would be incensed to find her in bed with Jake; unsurprised to find her with Michael in a hot tub because that’s basically exactly the kind of behavior everyone expects from Michael Mancini; indifferent about the fact that Jack Wagner’s Peter resisted her advances, because Peter was always a little boring; and deeply amused to find her with Billy, because Billy never counted, ever, and nobody would wish Billy on anyone. (Billy is kind of like the trick question in anyone’s romantic past. There is no correct answer that involves his name, unless the question is, “Which ex do you not REALLY count because you actually had contempt for him?”)
Anyway, all of that is juicy and thrilling as outfit inspiration, but a TAD premature for someone who could still accurately be described as being in her mid-twenties (she’s 26). Save this for your mid-century, Selena, when Jim Jarmusch invites you back for a soap-operatic zombie apocalypse sequel.
