Hello! And welcome to our low-tech live-blogging of the SAGS, an awards show that Ryan Seacrest doesn’t even bother to cover! Next time we do this, we hope to have a more technologically advanced way to bring this to you, but for now, I fear you shall have to hit “refresh” every now and then to follow along. I know, I know: it’s like 2006 up in here. That being said, we’re thrilled you’ve joined us, and please strap in and prepare for the red carpet of Hollywood’s most self-congratulatory awards show! (Which is saying something.)

3:00 p.m.:  Giuliana notes that this is her favorite red carpet. DUH. It’s the one where she’s the lead dog.

3:02 p.m.: Ross and G are literally talking about Ross’s socks, and Kelly’s flip-flops. This is how you know that no one is on the red carpet yet.

3:05 p.m.: In which learn that Kelly can’t pronounce “Narciso Rodriguez.”  Also, one of the floral arrangements Giuliana is standing next to looks like a HUGE deviled egg, and now I’m really hungry.

3:09pm: Elisabeth Rohm is acting like she really loves Giuliana, which is how you know she’s actually a good actor.  I will note that Rohm was actually surprisingly really good in American Hustle. She’s wearing Marchesa and it does NOT actually look like it’s eating her alive, which is a plus.

3:11pm: Ariel Winter’s just arrived and her boobs are OUT. She is having issues dressing them lately; she will probably be relieved when she’s a little older and people stop freaking out about her cleavage. I will be happy when I too am able to stop thinking about her cleav. G and Kelly are yapping about everyone at the Globes, and I have to admit, Kelly’s Zac Posen is actually really lovely on her.

3:13pm: Heather and I just talked about how Emma Watson’s Apron/Pants look from the Globes has kind of grown on us over the last week. Do we maybe have Awards Season Fever? Do we need more cowbell?

3:16pm: Paris Preference Lumiere is a L’Oreal brand but I really wish Jerry Orbach were still alive — for lots of other reasons obviously, also — so he could voice those ads AS Lumiere. “Be our guest, be our guest! Put our highlighters to the test!”

3:18pm: The ads for Keeping Up With the Kardashians makes it seem like one of them is going to be killed off this season.

3:2opm: Seriously, no celebs are there. Giuliana and Ross have spent hours talking to each other already. They’re talking about what Kathy Griffin — who I love, but who is not like a major style star — might be wearing?!?!!?! Can someone get some celebrities up in this joint? Kathy finally shows and she looks fine. She does NOT make fun of the mani-cam and that makes me super sad. In the background, Lady Mary’s hair looks great. If only we could see the rest of her dress.

3:22pm Anna Chlumsky looks nice in a navy velvet column trimmed in white satin. She is very charming with Ross. The line that earned her SAG card was, “Mommy, it’ll hurt if I swallow.” Ross, in his defense (for once), does NOT make the obvious joke.

3:26pm: Morena Baccarin looks good for once. She’s in blue Monique Lhuillier and it’s very simple, but flattering. Her face, obviously, looks fantastic. Ross has Ariel, and she is in Badgeley Mischka, a lovely patterned number that is, in fact, too tight on her boobs.

3:30pm: Hannah Simone is wearing Marchesa and I just turned to Heather and went, “eh, that does look like Marchesa.” (It has a loofah for the neckline.)

3:37 p.m.:  Heather here! Okay. Michelle Dockery and Phyllis Logan are here. Mrs. Hughes is so stunning when she’s not in her severe hair. Dockery’s black and white J. Mendel is not as good as I want it to be, but her lipstick is stunning and flawless, as is her skin. I love that Phyllis Logan doesn’t have a SAG card, also. I hope security doesn’t escort her out of there.

3:39 p.m.:  In which we learn that Giuliana has no idea what color “radiant orchid” is supposed to be, because she told Logan that her dark purple dress was “radiant orchid” and no.

3:40 p.m.:  Sasha Alexander is there, wearing red, with a bodice that looks like someone folded it at a bad time. She is apparently the night’s social media ambassador, which I hope means she gets a diplomatic license plate.

3:41 p.m.:  Kelly says Jane Krakowski is in green Roland Mouret. She and Giuliana fumble through another segment in which Kelly bleats that she has the best position on the red carpet, then instantly says something like, “I can’t wait until I can actually see the whole dress,” which would indicate that perhaps her position is actually terrible. I’d respect her more for being like, “Look, I’m way up high, it’s crowded, I have no idea what the hell is happening from up here, but at least I’m getting paid.”

3:44 p.m.:  The SkinnyGirl wine ads make me so irritated. First, diet wine shouldn’t be a thing. We all know what we’re doing when we drink wine. It’s a choice. Let’s just allow us all to make those choices without being told we’re not Skinny Girls. Second, it’s clearly not good wine, right? What they have to do to wine to make it diet CANNOT be good for us or for it, surely? Thirdly, Do we really want the aliens to find that in the rubble of the Earth apocalypse and open it and think that’s the best we could do? And fourthly, it makes me want to start my own wine label called DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS CALORIES.

3:46 p.m.:  Jared Leto looks so bored of this all — in a non-snotty way, but in a way that suggests he’d forgotten about how much preening is involved with being a decorated actor. Holly Hunter is with Giuliana, in red, and Giuliana does a fairly condescending interview with her about her twins and her ponytail.

3:48 p.m.:  Liza Minnelli tripped on the curb, I think. Sarah Hyland tells Ross that she used to take dance glass with Liza at a place called Luigi’s in New York, for about seven years. Sarah is in an unfitted pearly pink dress that looks like it cost $5.

3:50 p.m.:  Giuliana acts like it’s apocalyptic that this is Dermot Mulroney’s first SAGs red carpet. He jokes that he should get a pin or a ribbon noting his participation today, but clearly, he has managed to survive his life up until this moment.

3:51 p.m.:  Anna Gunn looks very sleek and sexy in a sparkly navy dress. It reminds me of back when Joan Allen did the circuit and wore very basic cuts in good colors, with sparkle, and we all swooned.

3:52 p.m.:  I am not qualified to talk about Game of Thrones, but this Kit Harrington person is here, stuck with Ross. From the E! side view, he looks like bearded Corey Feldman to me. I mean that as a compliment — like, Bearded Corey Feldman from back when we were all so much more innocent. Jessica tells me that he rocks a fur coat, though, and I believe that.

3:53 p.m.:  What’s with everyone talking about how “this one’s fun,” and the SAGs are so nice because they’re so loose? Did ANYONE think the Globes last weekend were tight? Certainly all the drunken participants could not have. Maybe it’s just their way of saying there’s no pressure because these awards don’t actually mean that much to any of them (regardless of what they say when they’re on the podium) and they’re the ones that aren’t shiny so they end up as doorstops. Oh, and Giuliana is talking to James Marsden about getting his SAG card on The Nanny. We always enjoy these stories.

3:55 p.m.:  Twofer from 30 Rock earned his SAG card doing a Wendy’s ad with the real Dave Thomas. Katrina Bowden’s was a toothpaste commercial. Her dress is really pretty — black with a gold art-deco bodice — but I feel like… I might be out of words to write about Katrina Bowden.

3:56 p.m.:  The nice thing about the SAGs for ME is that they nominate ensemble acting, so you find out all KINDS of people who are in movies you haven’t seen yet. Like how Alfre Woodard is in 12 Years A Slave, and I forgot J.Gar was in Dallas Buyers Club. Giuliana, meanwhile, has Emilia Clarke, and she breaks the shocking news that Emilia wears a blonde wig on Game of Thrones. Shocking. SHOCKED. We are all dead from surprise.

3:57 p.m.:  Giuliana introduces Emilia Clarke to Jared Leto, and he clutches her to him. I am pretty sure he’s working it. He hasn’t seen Game of Thrones; she counters that she knows his band and saw his movie, and he basically refuses to let go: “I haven’t finished here. There’s work yet to be done.” And he starts talking about how her eyes are beautiful. This is his game. This reminds me of when Jada Yuan wrote about him for New York and he ALSO waxed poetic about HER eyes. Emilia has on a bronze dress and looks very pretty. Giuliana makes them interview each other and it’s so awkward, but he makes a point of telling her that he’s there with his mother. As in, not a date. GET SOME, EMILIA.

4 p.m.:   The way Jared Leto looks at Giuliana while she’s babbling — I guess their siblings once dated? — is amazing. (He says, “Holy guacamole.”) He acts like he’s hypnotized, but it comes off like he’s fucking with her in the most beautiful way. He just stares and doesn’t blink.

4:01 p.m.:  Ross has Jason Bateman. Ross wants to talk to him about Identity Thief. It’s possible no one has ever really wanted to talk to him about Identity Thief until now.

4:02 p.m.:  Julie Bowen is wearing Carolina Herrera. She called it “fashion forward,” which I didn’t believe, because those two concepts don’t generally go together. But it IS unusual: orange bodice, black panel at the waist, white skirt with black geometric line detail… it’s SUPER interesting, and thank God for that, but it’s hard to say yet whether it’s awesome. The skirt might be messy. Julie Bowen talks about something called Amy’s Orgasm which was her first role.

4:05 p.m.:   Kerry Washington is walking around in a pink glittery top that appears to be CROPPED. As in, a slice of midriff on display above the bump. That is fascinating. Kelly is talking about Anna Gunn, saying, “I like to call this ‘midnight blue.'” Perhaps because that’s WHAT IT’S CALLED. Oprah is there with big beautiful hair, sunglasses, a giant brooch, and a snug purple dress. I was not a big fan of Oprah on her talk show in the later years — she made me insane — but she is killing it with The  Sexy on the awards season red carpet, which I didn’t expect from her. You go, Oprah. Fox it up. And with that helpful advice, I will pass this back to Jessica.

4:07 p.m.: Hi, it’s Jessica tagging in. Sofia Vergara is in Donna Karan Atelier and it’s the most Sofia Vergara-y Donna Karan ever.  The necklace is way too much with it, though.  If you imagine what this interview is like between G and Sofia, you know exactly how this interview did in fact go. I have to confess that as much as I actually like Sofia Vergara (and of course Ty Burrell), I am really over talking about Modern Family and everyone on it. I am burned out on Modern Family. I have Modern Family-itis.

4:09 p.m: E! cut away from Cate Blanchett to get Gretchen Mol and this entire room just GROANED. We want to see Cate! (“The entire room” = me and Heather.)

4:12 p.m: I love that Kelly is pretending she can see any more of Cate Blanchett than we can. She is like stuck in a corner behind a potted plant.  And then Giuliana gets Oprah and her brilliant question is, “are you having fun? Havin’ fun?” Oprah DOES look good. I wish OPRAH was hosting this red carpet. Every time someone would arrive, she could sing out, like, ” CAAAAAAAAATE BLAAAAAAAAAAAANCHEEEEEEETTTTTTT.”


4:16 p.m: Jesse Pinkman is as always a gentleman and a scholar with Ross, calling the awards circuit for Breaking Bad “the longest good-bye ever.” He looks classic in a hoodie and cargo pants — I mean, a Burberry tux, and his sister, who looks GREAT in BCBG. She looks like Joanne Froggett and she wants to see Bradley Cooper, which…yes.

4:18 p.m.: Giuliana is talking to Amy Adams about Oprah. Amy is wearing the color of the night, a midnight blue, and it’s very pretty on her.

4:24 p.m: You know Seacrest is at home eating a burrito and just laughing at all of this. Giuliana chats to Matthew McC and Camilla about Jared Leto. Um, maybe talk to Matthew about his suit, which is delicately patterned, or his movie, or maybe even his new TV show. HE HAS STUFF TO DISCUSS. I have to say, I am really into the McConaughey renaissance.

4:29 p.m.: SHOCKINGLY, Lupita looks amazing in a glorious blue Gucci with a jeweled, 3-dimensional neckline.

4:30 p.m.: Well. Kerry Washington is wearing a cropped top. Custom Prada. She is admittedly like, “WHY NOT BE CRAZY RIGHT NOW?!?!” which is admirable and kind of adorable, but she looks….it’s crazy, you guys.

4:31 p.m.: This MIGHT be the best look Jennifer Lawrence has sported this entire year, in a strapless black sequined number. The dress is amazing on her and she spends the entire time complaining about her “arm pit vagina” which makes me think she’s not in love with the fit. She is crazy. Her armpits look great and so does the rest of her.

4:33 p.m.: Oh God, Cate is talking to Giuliana and I am literally really scared that this is going to be so embarrassing. She calls the camera guy out for scrolling down her outfit. “Do you do that to the guys?” she asks. The camera guy goes, “YEAH I DO,” and actually, they do. It’s pretty clear that Cate actually DOES hate this shit, although she’s like….87% gracious. Her Givenchy is pink, with a sequined trim and I am neutral on it at the moment.

4:36 p.m: You can tell Kevin Spacey is wearing a lot of bronzer given that he and G are the same tone. He says he plans on getting “a lot of booze all over” his tux. Amen to that.

4:40 p.m.: OMG, the fans just fell over a portion of a wall to get to Julia Roberts, who is wearing PANTS OF COURSE SHE IS. On the other end of the red carpet, Jennifer Garner looks lovely in a navy blue and big earrings.

4:42 p.m: I just said to Heather, “is that Queen Latifah? She looks AMAZING.” It was Mariah Carey. Sandy Bullock pops up, wearing an emerald green strapless number.  It’s bridesmaid dress-y, but in a good way. She is totally f’ing around with Giuliana, saying that she made it herself. G OF COURSE has to bring up Clooney because she is deeply obsessed with Cloones and you know Sandy is like, “oh jeez. Here we go again.” She does suggest that she and G go to Taco Bell later, and I actually hope that happens.

4:49 p.m: Well, Julia’s hair looks great. She has my hair ideal on her head right now, which is good because the rest of her is wearing A DROPPED CROTCH JUMPSUIT. She and G are literally just having a personal conversation right now. Literally, about like random people.

4:50 p.m.: Next up, Emma Thompson, who might have a bedazzeled bird on her top, and she’s wearing flats. She is quite funny about high heeled shoe pain, though, and is basically a delightful person in every way.  Out on the red carpet, Meryl has shown up and she has her hair randomly back in a barrette, because Meryl Streep DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT.

4:55 p.m.: Does Mariah have a whip in her hand? No, it’s a fan. I SO wish it were a whip.  And on that note, it’s OVER!  Thanks for joining us for this today! I know tomorrow is Sunday, but we WILL be updating. We’re updating Monday, too, so those of you who have a three day weekend, come on by and say hello!