SAG Awards time! Yes, indeed, it’s time for the one awards show that says, “Screw you, writers and editors. Actors don’t get ENOUGH CREDIT in this town!” Let’s see what everyone decided to wear. If you want to play along, we’re watching — of course — E!, featuring Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne, and Ross Mathews. They should have used Louise Roe again, but whatever show she last did, she gave actual honest opinions, so that may explain her absence.
3:00 p.m. Did Ross just say someone is announcing her engagement announcement? You know it’s a downmarket awards show when Ryan doesn’t even show up.
3:01 p.m: Giuliana looks good tonight. Kelly also looks cute, actually. NO ONE ELSE is there yet.
3:03 p.m: Seriously. The SAGs does not need to have a two-hour long red carpet.
3:06 p.m: Shall we talk about figure-skating while we wait? I love that Ashley Wagner.
3:10 p.m.: What is going on right now? Matt Czuchry just “opened the red carpet” with a toast. Maybe I’M drinking and I don’t know it.
3:12 p.m.: WHAT IF THEY THROW THE SAGS AND NO ONE SHOWS UP??
3:18 p.m.: Katrina Bowden is wearing a nude straplessAmsale, and contrary to the rumor that the engagement announcement is Regina King and THEOOOOOOO Huxtable, it appears to be Katrina. But she made her boyfriend hang back off-camera until Giuliana called him over. Neither of them seems that excited about it? Her story is like, “He asked me? And I was like, yes?” Poor Keith Powell, her co-star, is sort of stuck doing nothing while she talks.
3:20 p.m.: Ashlee Simpson is there with her boyfriend from Boardwalk Empire. We were shocked until we made that connection. But first: Julianna with Giuliana. La Margulies is wearing Calvin Klein. It looks lilac, with lacy… you know, it kind of reminds us of what Katrina Bowden just had on, but she looks beautiful. Her face is really hard to argue with, you know? And she knows how to highlight it.
3:23 p.m.: G keeps asking J about George Clooney, and she’s gracious about it, but you know she must be tired of those questions. Meanwhile, Octavia Spencer and Josh Hopkins from Cougar Town show up together — just friends — and she’s in a Tadashi Shoji that looks grey, or maybe taupe. Her face looks lovely but we’re not wild about the dress being dishwater-colored. Weirdly, Giuliana makes Octavia watch a tape of herself watching herself get the Golden Globe, which is so strange. Josh Hopkins is being very complimentary, though, and so we hope that they turn out to be secret lovers.
3:25 p.m.: Ellie Kemper looks so pretty! It’s a teal color, sparkly, and her hair is in a ponytail. She’s darling. Meanwhile, we see Ty Burrell with a short-haired lady and both of us were like, “PLEASE GOD CAN HE BE SECRETLY HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MICHELLE WILLIAMS,” but we suspect it’s his wife, who may instead just have taken a photo of Michelle Williams to the salon and been like, “Lindley me up.”
3:30 p.m.: Ashlee is wearing Jenny Packham — it’s black and has what looks like a tulle overlay with sparkles on it? We can’t tell but we’re also not doing it justice. We will say that she seems to have gotten the hair under control. She ALSO has the boobs out, and after endless and ultimately meaningless blather about Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy, we finally, FINALLY move on to Kate Flannery of The Office, who looks fabulous in either royal blue or purple. Talk about someone who hides her light under a very drunk bushel at her day job.
3:33 p.m.: Armie Hammer’s hair is exactly like every boy we ever loved in seventh grade. This is not a compliment. He’s got that duck bill thing where the back is so long it’s curling up at his collar. Giuliana lamely attempts to get dish on their marriage — guess what? They said it’s fine! — while we see Julie Bowen in fuchsia. There might be a cape? We would so much rather investigate that than listen to Armie Hammer and his wife discuss recipes for red velvet yada-yada.
3:35 p.m.: Kelly Osbourne takes a moment to swoon over Ashlee Simpson in a way that is SO out of character for her — seriously, did you EVER think you’d hear Kelly Osbourne pant, “Ashlee looks… she just looks like a woman“? Kelly is also shocked that Diane Lane apparently looks amazing. Why is that? Has she never seen Diane Lane before?
3:36 p.m.: Ross Mathews apparently just quoted lines from Models Inc. to Linda Grey, which makes us wonder if maybe, MAYBE, he might have some use in this world. They do show a hilarious old clip of Brad Pitt on Dallas. Patrick Duffy just said, “I found out I directed that episode. I had no idea he was in it.” Ha! We also just accidentally called him Patrick Ewing at first, and let us say, we would LOVE to see the episode of Dallas that Patrick Ewing directs. There’s still time! It’s coming back!
3:38 p.m.: Rose Byrne has chopped off her hair – it’s a banged bob, and it looks nice on her. We were all set to like this white sparkly dress until we realized IT IS NOT A DRESS. It is a jumpsuit and we can’t see her feet. Giuliana basically asks her if she’s a bitch like in Bridesmaids or nice like on Damages, and Rose decides she is both, depending on whether she is talking to her mother or not. I wonder if her mother is sitting somewhere going, “AND HOW.” But Rose does come off very gregarious and charming. But Rose says she loves jumpsuits — hers is Elie Saab — and so that may end our girl crush before it begins.
3:43 p.m.: Julie Bowen looks quite nice in a purple Temperley with an open back. Now we get to have the endless talk where she blathers on about how she only works out by chasing her kids, right?
3:46 p.m.: I wish I had a dollar for the number of times I tell Ross to shut up. He’s waxing poetic to Blossom about Blossom. She SO DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLOSSOM, DUDE. She looks…fine. And is incredibly underwhelmed by Ross, it seems.
3:48 p.m: Jon Cryer. SNOOZE. Sorry, Duckie, I still love you, but…come on. We do not really care unless you are going to break out into song.
3:50 p.m: Hey, did we mention that Kristin Wiig is wearing a GIANT CHOKER WITH A HALTER? She is. It’s terrible. Viola Davis, on the other hand, just called “Giuliana” “Julia,” and has BROUGHT THE BOOBS OUT. She looks pretty in an understated (!) Marchesa, and we love her. On the other hand, Jayma Mays is wearing a dress that’s great from the front and possibly terrible from the back, with a lace insert. We see Lea Michele arrive, as well. She’s wearing a colorless dress and her hair is down. Can’t tell what the dress actually looks like, though. Maybe it’s insane on the bottom! Cross your fingers! We also get a glimpse of Michelle Williams, who is in RED and might look great. PLEASE LOOK GREAT, MICHELLE.
3:55 p.m.: The ads for Kim and Kourtney Take New York SERIOUSLY make it sound like Kim Kard dies at the end, from the music cues. We come back from the ad to see Wiig. She looks terrible. A CHOKER WITH A HALTER. Is she covering up a hickey? Vampire bites? What the hell is going on here? Terrible, terrible, terrible styling.
3:57 p.m.: Ariel Winter looks adorable and age-apropos again. YAY. And bless Wiig for doing a little bit just now where she purposefully walked in front of the camera. That was, in fact, funny.
3:58 p.m.: The Return of Matthew Lillard is kind of entertaining. Is that wrong? I have love for him from how amusing he was in She’s All That.
4:00 p.m.: Jonah Hill SO CLEARLY doesn’t want to be talking to Giuliana, which makes me laugh. He’s being a good sport, but there is an undercurrent of, “I can’t believe I’m talking to you” in his mien. We decided we like him now. Not just because of THAT, but that part was funny.
4:02 p.m.: If Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon get divorced because she has gotten a tat of their initials — seen in her orange dress — I WILL RAGE. She looks good in an orange Pucci — simple, but super body con. She tells G not to take relationship advice from celebs, which might be the smartest thing ever said on E!
4:05 p.m.: Michelle Williams looks good in red Valentino — we wish her shoes weren’t so matchy-matchy, but, you know, details — and the neckline is not a tight crewneck, which feels like a total win for her. THANK GOD.
4:11 p.m.: We are unsure whether an entire show based on Dwight Schrute is going to work. Generally the wacky characters work best in a secondary way, and when you overuse them it becomes tired. His beet farm is just such a character.
4:13 p.m.: Melissa McCarthy might look good! Her hair is great. The dress is a basic blue shift with a drape around the boobs, but it’s elegant. And it may be one of the most flattering things she’s ever worn. We wish her husband was wearing SHAUN WHITE HOODIES AND DEEEENIM. (That will never get old to us. Ever. For what it’s worth, he DOES appear to be in a bow tie made of tin foil.) Amusingly, Ross just told Melissa McCarthy to look over at George Clooney because he just arrived. And he did. And Stacy Keibler was giving a really warm greeting to a beautiful brunette in emerald who turned out to be Emily Blunt. We love the idea of them being besties.
4:15 p.m.: Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones is in a very elaborate and heavy-looking black and white dress. We first thought it was Keira Knightley, then Leighton Meester. Emilia, meanwhile, just looked depressed, possibly because she is neither of those people, but probably just because her dress weighs twenty pounds.
4:16 p.m.: Amber Riley went tea length, but it’s got a GIANT BOW on the front, like she’s heading off to the soda shop before the sock hop. So precious.
4:18 p.m.: Why are everyone’s shoes dyed to match their dresses? I know Bridesmaids is a popular movie and all, but this is pushing it. Sofia Vergara is also in Marchesa, and it’s one of the most understated Marchesas ever. We didn’t even know those words could be used together. It’s hot pink with a large detail om the bodice, but that’s about it. She is hilarious to me, though. She seems like the person on that cast who you most want to get stuck in an elevator with, for sure. Because she’d entertain the hell out of you, AND she would GET IT DONE in terms of summoning help.
4:26 p.m.: Clooney and Stacy Keibler are there. She’s in black lace, very demure. It’s ALSO Marchesa. Man, they are working OVERTIME to try and get better press — methinks somebody is tired of everyone calling their dresses vomitous messes.
4:28 p.m.: Giuliana actually asks Clooney if he would ever drop trou in a movie. He handles it amusingly — “I’m 50, it’s getting my trou up that’s the problem” — and yet also, that doesn’t mean anything, nor make any sense. Giuliana then presents him with a floral necklace and says she’s always wanted to “lei” him, and everyone laughs like she’s Melissa McCarthy in act one of Bridesmaids. Kevin McHale of Glee, meanwhile, has done some kind of strange punk-Bieber thing with his hair, and it scares me.
4:32 p.m.: Emily Blunt cutely was hanging back during John Krasinski’s interview, until G pulled her forward. Her green is pretty, as a color, but we’re undecided on the design of the dress. John and Emily are SO CUTE together. We love it when a celeb couple is not afraid to be like, “Yes, we’re married, and we aren’t afraid to enjoy that fact in public.”
4:33 p.m.: Jane Lunch always looks the exact same at all these functions. Great color, and she’s attractive, but it’s hard to muster up raves. They do cut to her at the Globes juggling on the Glam Cam, which is kind of amusing. Giuliana and Jane are about to have a juggle-off. Yes, we jut wrote that sentence. It’s sort of cute. Giuliana won, too. She actually CAN juggle. Is this the dawn of a new RESPECT for Giuliana? … Probably not, but props nonetheless.
4:36 p.m.: Angelina alert! She’s in a slinky… is it midnight blue? Black? … nightie-like gown that’s a nice contrast to the Oscars — you can’t do that every time — but still is not a caftan. Giuliana is right (we know, we know, we can’t believe we’re saying it either): When you have that face, sometimes you don’t really need to jump through so many hoops. From a distance, she looked polished but relaxed; we’ll see if we get her close-up… There may be a reason that, when they’re ever on the red carpet, they’re interviewed by Ryan (who isn’t here).
4:40 p.m.: Angelina Jolie is wearing a black halter that might be LEATHER? That would be terribly Angie of her. Meryl Streep is actually talking to Giuliana. She looks…pretty good, actually? In a gray gown. She is NOT wearing a banana clip, nor is she wearing a Western shirt, so points for that. Chastain is wearing a gorgeous blue, but the cut of the dress is maybe not super flattering? This is the time in the telecast where all the REAL celebs arrive and RUN IN and we can’t see anything they’re wearing.
4:42 p.m.: Dianna Agron looks fine in a raspberry. Tina Fey looks….also fine in a black strapless. Chord Overstreet looks like Chord Overstreet. Nancy Wall — Mrs Steve Carrell — looks lovely in purple. She always looks nice, actually.
4:44pm: Zoe Saldana looks interesting in white? She can kind of pull-off a lot of things but….maybe not this? There appears to be a poncho? We are concerned.
4:50 pm: BRAD PITT IS ACTUALLY TALKING TO GIULIANA AND ROSS. HOLY GOD, HE WANTS THAT OSCAR. He wants BAD. I also would like to note that E! didn’t have sound for the first few seconds of this interview — which is kind of a screw-up, considering. Giuliana is totally steamed at Ross just won’t shut up yammering at Brad. She’s clearly like, “SHUT UP ROSS AND LET ME TALK TO BRAD.” We’d like to take a moment and note that Brad Pitt IS really good in Moneyball, and he just said some really nice stuff about the little girl who played his kid in the movie. I seriously just can’t even believe he spoke to them, and Angelina is up next. They’re talking to them SEPARATELY?
4:54 pm: Holy cow, Ross just introduced Angelina to G. Brad REALLY wants the Oscar. Angie’s in a black halter and her jewelry is pretty groovy. Ross will NOT stop running these interviews and Giuliana seems STEAMED, and is only reading Twitter questions, which we suspect are all pre-approved. Angie literally just called Ross “sweetheart.”
5:00 pm: Emma Stone’s black McQueen is tea-length. It’s adorable. And we’re happy to go out on her — that kid’s a peach. Thanks for hanging out with us! And come back tomorrow for all the dish on everyone’s outfits.