This whole look seems so stiff and dramatic for Robert Pattinson, so I’ve decided he’s actually just crafting his own Edward Cullen short stories to fill out the canon in his mind. Edward had a long, undead life before he met Bella; I’m guessing this is from his Mysterious Continental Figure phase, when he liked to show up┬áin smoky French bars and alternately pretend to be Russian or German — always either Hans or Mikhail, always drinking whatever local moonshine they were shilling, always trying to contact a shadowy resistance for the purpose of rescuing family members, and invariably ending with him stroking a woman’s cheek in stony silence before whispering things like, “You are dangerous to me,” or, “It is my heart that’s in prison, and you are the jailer.” Sometimes there would be a fake mustache, or a briefcase, but regardless the night would end with a corpse in the Seine and an enormous dry-cleaning bill.

I assume he’s publishing these online under the name Vlad the Wimpaler. It just feels true.

[Photo: Getty]