“I almost did not show up, lovers, because I am still so angry at the people, because you do not name The Lopez the most beautiful person on the planet and then GIVE IT LATER TO SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I STILL WALK THE EARTH. If it is not Most Beautiful Person In Existence Ever, then the people need to be more specific so that they do not TOY WITH THE LOPEZ. But then I thought, ‘Eh, Jennifer, do not let the stupids make your breasts sad,’ and so here they are to remind everyone what is THE TRUTH and what is LIES. Merry Holidaymas, lovers, and let my abs be your resolution. You will see me on the other side. And you WILL look.”

[Photo: Getty]