Let’s do a quick recap of Madonna at her last few major parties: the Oscars this year, and the 2009 Met Ball. Suffice to say that if ANYONE truly could not be trusted on this night to restrain herself from total transparency, it was Madge.

So I didn’t want her to turn around. I really, really didn’t. Her hair looked sort of normal, her skirt was gorgeous, the color was nice on her, I wasn’t even furious for the satin… ergo, I was positive the front had to be made of chain-link fence, or something, perhaps with a side of Elizabeth Berkeley’s rouged nipples from Showgirls. It couldn’t be good! It couldn’t! Could it?

Let’s get this out of the way: I vote no on what I can see of the shoes. But! Here is a string of adjectives: classy, age-appropriate, glamorous, sexy, lovely. I figured my days of using those to describe Madonna were long behind me, if indeed they ever existed. So thanks, Madonna, for proving to me almost seven years into this job that people can still be surprising. And that you can keep your inner thighs to yourself.