Ciara is not someone on whom I generally rely for restraint.

Needless to say, this shocked the pants off me. Had I been holding a sandwich — and in retrospect, why on Earth wasn’t I? — it would’ve clattered out of my hand (so, good thing I wasn’t; also, what kind of sandwich was that, that makes a clattering noise?). The ombre effect is pretty, the detailing is gorgeous, and the ice blue up top is fab. Even SHE looks suspicious, like, “Wait, hang on, is this a joke and someone’s going to tear away my skirt to reveal mesh bike shorts?”

Another surprise: Ashley Greene.

Yes, this is a concept we’ve seen before — even at the Met Ball — but Ashley Greene is carrying it off very well. Someone in her position, who is basically only famous because she scored a role in a vampire movie series that makes grown women weep (many of them with joy, I’m told), does kind of need to prove she can graduate from your basic starlet couture of cocktail dresses and strange red suits and start holding her own in a Major Dress. And that is definitely a Major Dress, even if it is Met Ball For Beginners. This is going to sound mean — because, in fact, it is mean — but it’s a consequential enough gown that I almost forgot she’s just Ashley Greene. Because, like, Anne Hathaway would wear this. And why, in fact, was Anne Hathaway pretty much the only A-lister who didn’t come? Did she deploy Ashley as a stand-in? Was there a deep-voiced man hovering when she entered so that he could announce in hushed soap-operatic tones, “The role of Anne Hathaway is now being played by Ashley Greene”? If so, Ashley Greene might want to rethink her strategy here, because if people start to confuse them in any way, then Ashley is going to take a LOT of unwanted heat once that One Day trailer starts airing and people realize what a terrible, terrible British accent Anne is employing in that. And if you’re Ashley Greene, you REALLY don’t want to spend your time apologizing for why Anne Hathaway got that part.

Well, that was quite a weird digression. Coffee, anyone? Tea? No? Okay then. Thank you for coming.