The Roitfelds were a naked surprise at the French Vogue party, but there were loads of other amusing outfits at the masquerade, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t walk you down Wackitude Lane for a while. We can hold hands and talk about the physical impossibilities of the final dance performance in Center Stage, and why everybody is doing stories on TV about teenagers and their teachers having potent sexual chemistry, and why nobody ever brings up during said stories that the teachers could be SENT TO JAIL. You know, stuff like that.
And then we’d pause to look at the real estate along Wackitude Lane. Like model Lily Donaldson here:
See, Little Red Riding Hood has been living alone in the woods with just grandma for a long, long time. So she’s not entirely upset that the big bad wolf is coming to town. Maybe he’s just a really hairy man, and he might sup on some sins of the flesh. Or he’ll eat her grandmother and she can finally blow that joint and head to the city, where there is many a streetcorner eager to be decorated by a hot young thing in red satin. Either way, she’s pretty sure it’ll end happy.
However, as usual, Miss Tyra stole the show for me.
I CHERISH this photo. It’s all, “Another day, another jewelry-store heist. BORING.” Fortunately, we suspect things took a saucy turn when she pulled off the head-stocking, and her boyfriend and John Galliano played Tic Tac Toe in the angry red grid left over on her face, and Whoopi Goldberg popped up in the center square.
Unfortunately, the rest of the outfit is a bit more blah. First, it’s INCREDIBLY thickening, and the fabric of the bodice is all wonky. I guess I have to forgive her a lapse in judgment, though, because it’s probably pretty hard to judge anything honestly when your head has been caught by a shrimping boat.
I have no idea who Gisele Bundchen’s guest is — he was captioned, “Guest” — but he’s totally stealing her thunder. Gisele is working some kind of Phantom of the Literary Salon look, but Guest over there has turned his face into the floor of a soda shop owned by Hollywood from Mannequin, and that wins every time.
Oh, Karolina. A bit lazy, no? Obviously you put all your energy into wearing a murder of ravens on your feet, because you are a huge One Tree Hill fan and you have Coach Whitey’s face and Nathan’s jersey number tattooed to your lower back. But this is not a Guilty Pleasure Gala, or even a Legitimately Awesome Things That Some People Just Don’t UNDERSTAND Gala. It’s a masked gala. So don’t skimp on the mask. A piece of lace ribbon is not going to cut it tonight.
Incidentally, a piece of lace ribbon is essentially what Natalia Vodianova wore in toto:
That’s the least imaginative mask of all, and yet I think her face is more clothed than her body. Normally I would assume a dress code implies being more than 30 percent dressed, but hey, it’s a French Vogue party — this was probably just foreplay.