Madonna Bracket: Beyonce Meets Her Greatest Challenge Yet

Both of these match-ups are going to be fun.

(1) Bella Hadid vs. (9) Ciara

This feels like a very well-matched game. I’m on the edge of my seat. Bella has had a very strong run this year. She was all about her own nipples. Like, this is a VERY sheer shirt. I guess I’m glad she’s wearing panties here:

In a year of weird pants, these are some of the weirdest. These are ALSO profoundly weird. Although not as weird as these are:

I share the skeptical expression of the woman in the raspberry pants back there. Her face says, “I have no idea what she thinks she’s wearing, but I’m quite sure I don’t like it.”

Hello, this dress looks like it was rescued from a house fire:

And then, of course, the piece de resistance, an ensemble I too would wear to have lunch with my father, as she is doing so here. Obviously. Who doesn’t?

MY. EYES.

Ciara is a formidable opponent here, though. Although sometimes she wears things that are hilariously voluminous, mostly she wears items that I’m fairly surely Bella is irritated she didn’t get to first. Like so:

Also like so:

And like so anew:

And ALSO like so:

LIKE SO LIKE SO:

ARCHIVES! Here are Bella’s. Here are Ciara’s. ENJOY.

(4) Beyonce vs. (12) Lena Dunham

As Heather pointed out on Sunday, it seems likely that Lena Dunham will be honored to lose to Beyonce, OR to beat her in this game. As it should be. Let us first revisit what Beyonce wore to the White House Easter Egg Roll this past year:

I will sidebar to note that those little boys look ADORABLE in that shot, and Bey’s top seriously confuses me. Also PROFOUNDLY confusing:

It’s latex! Does Beyonce just not sweat? Actually, it’s totally possible that Beyonce doesn’t sweat.

I remember when Beyonce wore this and my reaction was, “wow. I think that might be TOO MANY BRACELETS,” which was a confusing and perplexing emotion for me to experience:

And this was probably Bey’s other most memorable look of the year:

As I said at the time, while I like that she did something vaguely different than usual, I’m not sure that I think that was successful. And also I wish I couldn’t see her crotch. I Wish I Couldn’t See Her Crotch: The Jessica Morgan Story is also the working title of my autobiography.

Beyonce wore this to Wimbledon, and my main issue are her toeless booties:

But now that we’ve determined that she doesn’t sweat, maybe they make more sense. FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

Over to La Dunham, who I think actually looked better this year than she has in years past. Although not always in terms of her makeup. Or maybe always in terms of her hair extensions? But in general. (I am sure this news is a huge relief to her and now she can finally rest.)

This was not totally successful, but I appreciate where she was going with it — much as I feel about Beyonce in her seafoam green:

I’d also like to see Lena in Beyonce’s seafoam green, and Beyonce in the above. (I think she’d look cute in those pants.)  I’m not sure if I think ANYONE should wear these shoes, though:

Wait — I’m wrong. Blue Ivy would look awesome in them. I’m sure we can work this out somehow.

Beyonce’s archives are here; Lena’s are here. Please vote: