The optical illusion in this photo is making my eyes spin in their sockets. It makes the picture look like she was pieced together from three different ones, when actually it’s just lights and mirrors everywhere, like a terrible New Year’s Eve party. You know Illustra, the department store in Mannequin run by evil people that was so aggressive with the tinsel in all its store windows? This is exactly how I picture their office holiday party.
If you can pick out the dress from the backdrop, it’s worth discussing. A very strong part of me thinks she looks awesome and young and funky, and that Passengers junkets have been light on Dior so that this can be framed as The Jennifer Lawrence: Still Awesome And Young And Funky So Please Ignore The Dumb and Often Offensive Shit Coming Out Of My Mouth That I Also Don’t Entirely Apologize For, Even When I Trick The Media Into Thinking That’s What I’m Doing” Tour. (Seriously, every magazine ever, STOP tweeting that she apologized for scratching her ass on sacred rocks in Hawaii and then laughing publicly about it. She did not apologize for that. She only noted that she was sorry anyone was offended by her joke about being a curse, which is basically equal to saying, “I’m sorry you took it wrong,” and not, “I’m sorry I said or did it.” She is, like her pal Amy Schumer, tremendous at missing the entire point.)
Ahem, okay, packing away my soapbox. Here’s my hesitation: the patterns together. Mixing patterns is tricky for me and I’ll admit I’m too chicken to try much of it in my life. I’m sure the only rule is that there are no rules. But these seem so discordant that I keep expecting her to tear away the skirt and reveal that she’s been wearing a romper this whole time, because she’s actually a time-traveler and she went to Express in 1994. I want the two pieces to have one color in common, I think, even if it’s a color used very subtly in one or both. Without any kind of thread, yoking them together, I’m jarred. Or maybe it’s just this PARTICULAR pairing that’s doing it. I don’t know. I have peered into my mug of hot chocolate and seen no clarity in the dregs, so I may have to go make myself another cup.
Meanwhile, she went on Jimmy Kimmel in a Dolce & Gabbana number so they could do shots and spray-paint over Chris Pratt’s picture on the poster.
It’s not anyone’s best work. And it doesn’t feel Awesome and Young and Funky, either, so I guess that tour has hit a speed bump separate from my ranty ranting.
[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]