In my heart it is always wine cardigan season. But my mind is ready for it as soon as September hits, even as my body is like, “No, actually, there’s a dire heatwave that makes the world feel like menopause.” This photo of J.Lo is not helping. I want a bracing chill and a fire in the hearth and a large glass of red and a big ol’ sweater hugging me while I watch Love Island. To console myself for the fact that the Earth is too pissed at us for that to happen right now, I will focus instead on her pants. I am NOT ready for a season of hell that includes high paper-bag-waist pants and one of those loopy belts. This is not 1991 and I am not starting ninth grade, THANK GOD.