“Hola lovers. You know I am angry when you can see my teeth. I am human Opposite Day. Buffoonfleck used to say, ‘When the lips are closed, you’re composed. When the teeth are out, holy shit, just leave,’ because he ALWAYS loses interest in EVERYTHING before it is finished, INCLUDING RHYMES. Anyway, lovers, the memo here was very obvious. Messy hair. And yet I am the ONLY one who paid attention to the Look Like You Just Walked Out Of The Ocean rule. Instead we have the bald eagle, Captain Hairspray, and then whatever that is at the end of the line there. I am the CREATOR. The EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. If I do not brush, you do not brush. Do I have to add these things to my contract, lover? In fact, why is that one even here? Oh, she may think she has it made, with her lipstick and her cute dress that does not look like someone hiked it up to have sex in a limo, and all three of her names. But AHA: I technically have FIVE. I just do not USE THEM because it is SHOWY. And none of her names even fit the pattern. IS NO ONE RHYMING ANYMORE BUT ME, LOVERS? I guess we can be D. Ho, J.Lo, Ne-Yo, and NO-NO. Hmm. Wait. As usual, genius has licked my face like a puppy. Pardon me while I get her birth certificate changed.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]