“Hello, I’m obviously Mary J. Blige. You might remember me from such songs as ‘A Family Affair,’ and ‘No More Drama,’ but definitely not ‘Level Up,’ because I am not Ciara. I can answer questions about Mudbound, but not the Denver Broncos, as I have no knowledge of Russell Wilson or the 2-3 record or what work they did on his shoulder the other day, or the fact that his wife usually wears team colors but definitely is not wearing orange or blue lately or anything like that at all, because of course I am not that person. Now please direct me to the nearest dancerie, where there will be no holleration about paltry offensive production or paying $165 million to this man to let him get SACKED 16 times, okay? CIARA J. BLIGE OUT. Uh, wait, I mean… damn.”

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Tags: Ciara