Listen, Charlize:

If you are going to dress as any old Melrose Place character, obviously, the answer is Amanda Woodward. Yes, yes, mini-skirts and mules are not in vogue, or en vogue, or anything to do with Vogue or En Vogue, but she is clearly the rock star of that series and thus the only acceptable one to emulate. You do not copy Alison Parker’s high-waisted baggy jeans and teased bangs, you do not rip off wigs to reveal head scars like Kimberly Shaw (well, we can negotiate this point, I guess, because that was AWESOME), and you really, REALLY do not want to go all floaty ruffle-tops and bellbottoms, which seem to me like something you’d see in the closet of one Jane Mancini. I mean it. Jane was SO BORING. Even when Jane was mildly amusing, and sort of bitchy, and ineffectually half-killing people with shovels and whatnot, she still managed to be boring. And let’s not even talk about her appearance in the rebooted Melrose Place, nor how she always pronounced it “DEsigns” or “DEsigner.” So please, don’t try to make Jane Mancini happen again. We had enough the first time. And the second. The third time is the harm, not the charm, in this case.