I have no idea what is going on here:

But I think I just joined Team Biel. My only concern now is that she and Justin Bieber will decide they have a love of fake mustaches in common, and unite to become one similarly monikered supercouple whose portmanteau is The Bielb. THAT would be a way to get the world’s attention, and also help us draw ooky conclusions about her passion for men named Justin whose last initials rhyme with T.

Still: Team Biel. (Not to be confused with Team Bielb, which is as-of-yet an empty roster.) But let’s check out the rest of her outfit anyway.

KATE BECKINSALE: I’m super hot and married to the director. I will work forever and have copious amounts of sexy sex.

LEN WISEMAN: See above. So I am not standing “with” Jessica Biel. I am simply standing near her. I am trying not to even touch her.

JESSICA BIEL: Am I dating Justin? Is he cheating on me? Do you really need to ask? I think this outfit says it all, does it not? AHEM COLIN.

COLIN FARRELL: Con’t look, Colin. Don’t look. She’s baiting you with her stomach.

BRYAN CRANSTON: Just happy to be here!

JOHN CHO: This mustache is BANGIN’. I feel like an exotic cowboy who dances the tango.

BECKINSALE: Legs legs legs legs.

WISEMAN: It may appear that I am looking at Jessica Biel but I AM NOT. MY WIFE HAS HER OWN LEGS.

BIEL: Look at me look at me look at me! It’s like I’m in a really fancy tennis outfit! I will make any ball pun you want, if someone will just PLEASE COME AND DATE ME IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF PHOTOGRAPHERS. OH LOOK. THERE ARE PHOTOGRAPHERS RIGHT THERE. HINT HINT. COLIN.

FARRELL: Seriously, Colin, don’t look or else she will mount you and then Us Weekly will NEVER stop following you around at bars.

CHO: DO NOT MESS WITH EL MACHO. Oh, yes, I could get used to this.

BIEL: Wait, who’s that dish down the end? Maybe HE will save me from a second, or third, or fifth, round of Timbershame.

CHO: Oh no, lady. El Macho rides alone.

BIEL: Well. Y’all bitches have no chivalry. NONE.