Fugaway

“LISTEN UP, Y’ALL, THIS NIGHT IS A CAPS-LOCK NIGHT. I AM THE CAPS LOCK. I AM FEELING BEYOND COMPARE, WITH MY SHIRT LIKE SATIN SURGICAL SCRUBS AND MY DANDY POCKET SQUARE, WHICH I WEAR CAUSE I CARE THAT Y’ALL LOVE TO STARE SO I’M JUST SHARING MY FLAIR LIKE THAT WALDORF NAMED BLAIR, THE HUXTABLE NAMED CLAIR, OR FORMER DETROIT LIONS QUARTERBACK ANDRE WARE (JUST KIDDING HE HAD NO FLAIR, BUT DON’T TELL HIM I SAID THAT BECAUSE I’M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON). ANYWAY, I FINISHED MY MOVIE RUNAWAY. IT’S THE ONE ABOUT MY HOT PHOENIX ALIEN GIRLFRIEND WHO BURNS WHEN PEOPLE ARE INSENSITIVE TOWARD HER AND THEN HER ASHES GO BACK HOME. I DON’T KNOW. I MADE IT UP. BUT YOU CAN BE SURE IT’S DOPE LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE IN THE TUB WITH THE POPE EATING A PLATE OF CANTELOUPE WATCHING RERUNS OF CHICAGO HOPE TO HELP HIM COPE WITH BEING POPE. ALTHOUGH I REALLY SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR RHYMING POPE AND POPE — I PROMISE I’M A BETTER PERSON THAN THAT AND I’VE TOTALLY CHANGED AND IF SOMEBODY WOULD JUST FIND ME A DAMN RUG WITH CHERUBS ON IT THEN MAYBE I WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT RHYME. IT SHOULDN’T BE A HASSLE TO SHOW I AM WORTHY OF MY PASSEL OF AWESOME LOAFER TASSELS SOMETHING-SOMETHING FORMER NEW YORK GIANTS COACH JIM FASSEL. YOU FEEL IT? WELL I DON’T. SOMETHING IS MISSING.”

“AHHHHH, SNAP, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER WHEN I MY HEART CAN FEEL GOLD. AND IT’S PERFECT BECAUSE IT’S LIKE SOME ROYAL SHIT, YOU KNOW, AND THAT FITS BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I HAVE MADE A DECISION. I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST RAPPER OF ALL TIME. I’M NOT SAYING I AM ALREADY, BECAUSE THAT WOULDN’T BE DOPE — IT’S MUCH DOPER TO SAY I AM GOING TO DO IT SOMETIME LATER. IT IS ON MY AGENDA. IT’S PENCILED IN ON MY SKED UNDER ‘BUILD A DAMN SHED’ AND ‘BAKE BANANA BREAD’ AND BLAH BLAH CINCINNATI REDS AND ‘GO OFF ON MY SLED WHERE TAYLOR SWIFT FEARS TO TREAD ‘CAUSE SHE’D RATHER SING BAREFOOT INSTEAD’ AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT’S FINE BECAUSE I SUPPORT EVERY DECISION SHE MAKES BECAUSE SHE’S SO TALENTED. ALL I WANT TO DO IS HUG THE WORLD. AND ALSO FIND MY ANTIQUE CAKE SERVER, BECAUSE DAMN, HOW IS A DUDE SUPPOSED TO EAT A CAKE SHAPED LIKE HIS OWN FACE IF HE CAN’T SERVE IT WITH SOMETHING OLDER THAN BETTY WHITE? IT’S NOT RIGHT, IT’S LIKE SPITE AND I’LL SMITE THE BLIGHT ON LIFE WHO TOOK FLIGHT WITH MY UTENSIL DELIGHT. BELIEVE.”